When the wind stops blowing

I waited for you in the hallway

But I did not hear your voice

I waited for your call in the night

But my phone did not stir

I waited for your love

But it would never be mine

I do not know who I am anymore

Who’s sonata I am playing in this auditorium of my heart

I do not know who’s voice is singing,

Chanting in the shadows of my temptations.

But I waited for your touch

And you touched me all over.

I waited for your kiss and you kissed me all night

I waited for your smile and your smile made me smile.

I miss you

I love you

I want you so badly to want me

To love me

To miss me

But you won’t

You haven’t

And you didn’t

Pain is not a new sensation on my tongue

She is a prodigy at suffering

Pain is the letter I wrote to myself in the first grade.

But I still wake each day hoping that this one will be better

I still hold the thimble in my hands

To thread my hope together

And hopefully create a scarf or sweater

To replace what I left in the closet

When I finally came out of it.

Pain is every memory that chains me to my bed on the darkest of days

And I know I never told you this

Any of this

And perhaps I should have

Perhaps I would have

But does it matter now?

Would it have meant more than the dust?

So I set you free

You were never mine to keep

Though you never said that you were

I release you to the wind

To find your love

Go find your joy

Find your peace

And let love find you

For though I hate how sour the truth can taste on my lips,

I will mourn your memory forever

And I will never be the man you want

And I will never be the man you love

And you will always mean more to me

But what will you do

when the wind stops blowing?