Into a billion pieces..

"There's Cancer, it's in her brain."
I didn't wanna believe it..
Told myself it wasn't true..
Getting rid of it would be easy,
A surgery and some radiation..
Sighs of relief.

As soon as radiation was finished..
"We're terribly sorry, it's moved..
It's in her lung.."
Desperate attempts to stay strong,
When inside, I was falling apart..

That desperate fear, 
Of losing the woman,
Who's so important,
The one who gave you life,
The one who would do anything for you,
The one that would ALWAYS be there.
Imagine losing that.

Another surgery,
Some chemo,
And it would be alright.
Another sigh of relief.

After a few rounds of chemo..
"We have bad news..."
Heart hopping into my throat.

"She's had a stroke."
Teeth gritting, trying not to cry.
"She's going to recover fully."

I had her back!
I had her back! 
My mom, the one and only!
She had recovered in a few months,
And I had her back.
Jumping for joy

Follow-up appointment
"There's a total of twenty-three 
Tumors in her spine. It's called
Carcinoma Meningitis,
And it's incurable."

Tears.
Not just plain old sad tears.
Rage tears.
Depression tears.
Fear tears.
Pain tears.
Indescribable tears.

Months in the hospital..
Knowing what would happen,
Too scared to admit it.
"keep her comfortable,
Keep her on painkillers,
So she's not in pain"
Fear.
Fear that I would walk in one day,
and she wouldn't be there.

Surprises.
They brought her home...
I found that she was there one day 
when I got home from school.
That was one of her last.

Two days later,
Sitting, holding,
Her barely-there body...
She dies in my arms.

SCREAMS
Pained screams.
Anger screams.
Sad screams.
ANIMAL SCREAMS

I remember this,
Sitting at her grave.
Remember her strength,
Her courage,
All I ever learned from her,
All I never got to learn,
Because of the big C-monster.

"I love you mom,"
A whisper.
"I always will."
Muffled tears.
"I miss you."
Loud sobs.
"I need you back."