When You Keep Choosing the Sin You Hate

O God, I have no excuse.
I knew it was wrong before I did it.
I felt Your warning and ignored it.
I chose my desire over Your holiness,
and now the weight of it crushes me.

My sin is always before me.
It follows me into prayer.
It follows me into worship.
It follows me into my sleep.
I pretend strength before people,
but alone I am weak and ashamed.

I did this with open eyes.
I planned it.
I returned to it.
I promised I would stop,
yet I went back again
like a fool who loves his chains.

Against You, and You alone, have I sinned.
Not because others were not hurt,
but because I knew Your truth
and still chose rebellion.
You were not unclear.
I was simply disobedient.

My hands are dirty, Lord.
I washed them, but the guilt remains.
My eyes are guilty.
They led my body where my heart already wanted to go.
I cannot lift them toward heaven
without remembering what they have seen.

How can I sing to You
when my mouth still tastes of sin?
How can I speak of righteousness
when my life contradicts my words?
If You exposed me as I truly am,
I would have nothing to say.

I fear You, O God.
Not with reverence only,
but with terror,
for I know what I deserve.
If You marked my sins,
who could stand?

Do not take Your Spirit from me.
That is my greatest fear.
Take my pride if You must.
Take my comfort.
Take my reputation.
But do not leave me to myself.

I am not just tempted, I am trapped.
This is no longer a moment;
it is a pattern.
I hate it, yet I return to it.
I ask forgiveness
while secretly knowing
I may fall again.

Break me if You must,
because I cannot fix myself.
Crush what keeps rising in me.
Destroy the desire that keeps ruling me.
I am tired of managing sin,
I want it dead.

I fear for my calling.
I fear for the work You placed in my hands.
I fear becoming another warning story
instead of a faithful servant.
I fear standing before You
having wasted what You gave me.

Have mercy on me, O God,
not because I am worthy,
but because You are good.
Wash me
not on the surface,
but deep within,
where the desire begins.

Create in me a clean heart,
because this one keeps betraying me.
Renew my spirit,
for it is tired and divided.
Teach me to fear You again,
not just speak about You.

Do not let death rejoice over me.
Do not let hell claim victory through my weakness.
I know the judgment I deserve,
yet I beg You,
do not give me that cup.

Save me from myself.
Save me from the sin I keep choosing.
Save me while I still breathe,
while repentance is still possible.

Then, only then
will I speak again of Your goodness,
not as a performer,
but as a man You rescued.

O God, hear me.
If You do not help me, I will fall completely.
If You do not hold me, I will not stand.

For I still desire to finish my days saying,
“I fought the good fight,”
not in words only,
but in truth.

Have mercy.
Please, have mercy oh my Father And Lord