This is where I am at

I wish I was a rich white lady who could eat pray love after a breakup, instead I choke down my food saying to myself 'good food', 'good food'

like a parrot, just mindlessly and forcefully feeding myself so that my body can continue to go on existing

I pray, but I don't pray in an ashram surrounded by linen, beads, and the faces of strangers who I find inspiration but could never relate to

I pray by myself in what used to be OUR room, laying in the bed we once shared crying

I pray surrounded by the ghosts of you in every surface and mostly present in my heart and energy 

I have love but I didn't meet a dashing new man in a faraway destination who swept me off my feet, literally. 

The love I have is for my family, and pet, and plants, the love I have is the love I wish to give to you but I can't, the love I have is the love you refuse

I'm not a rich white lady who has the disposable income and time to be able to heal and find myself in a distant land, feeding on fresh food and staying in places that wash away every inch of her old life, the freedom and opportunitity to start anew and heal in a different beautiful place

I am not a rich white lady who can eat pray love her heartbreak away