What do you see

When you see my eyes?

You may see who I have been.

You may see who I want to be.

But all I want to be is he.

He who is whole.

He who is happy.

He who is safe.

He who is me.

 

I went to therapy today and I cried.

If you didn’t know me,

You might think someone died.

But on the contrary,

I have never felt more alive.

Tell me how does pain give off this vibe?

For if I am not in love or dying, I am not alive.

 

I constantly have music that repeats in my head,

Mainly stuff that reminds me of the time when I wished I was dead.

Sad beats reminisce because they are comfortable 

And happiness doesn’t even seem like a topic thats confront-able.

So I am trying to change my mentality.

I am focussing on my spirituality.

Maybe this cluster fuck is just who I am,

This tornado of a personality!

Does this happen to everyone who comes to terms with their own sexuality?

 

I crave a cigarette,

For I am full of regret.

I let you make every move for me

And that’s not how it’s supposed to be.

My anxiety screams because “Gay people live sad lives.”

And its hard to quiet that bellowing voice when all I'm trying to do is thrive.

I think of all the nasty things that were said.

You’re part of the reason why I lay awake in bed.

 

The night twirls me into a romance like no other,

We are close and spend many hours talking to each other.

I am also friends with Mary Jane

But if her and I get too close I start to feel insane.

Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I am wrong.

I am trying to teach myself to hold my ground and stay strong.

 

I used to romanticize the idea of carving into my skin,

It’s a totally different story once you begin.

For I am an addict with many addictions. 

I am a man with many contradictions.

When I spread my legs for every person it is not for love

I am numbing the pain because I am bad at life when push comes to shove.

I am a masochist who revels in his pain

 I am teaching myself from this there is nothing to gain.

 

I used to drive around late at night.

My dreams are filled with mostly fright.

I hear the echoes of you yelling at me

“Why don’t you better yourself?”

Because it’s not the real me that you see

For you want me to be like you

To believe in what you believe and do as you do.

 

You preach how you are always right

And as soon as I question that, you’re ready to fight.

I want to be a writer,

But you say that’s not practical and yet I hold on tighter.

I’ve been told I'm dramatic

But in all reality I just want to believe in magic

I see beauty in all things tragic

I’m made fun of because to others tragedy is nothing but static.

 

I glance at my phone multiple times a day

But this time I see thirty texts waiting on me asking if I am okay

You may think this is a significant other or even a friend

But it is my mother who is really good at playing pretend

I try to set boundaries so our relationship will be okay

But she refuses to see my point of view and I want nothing more than for her to just. 

Go.

Away.

I then glance at my phone and see no messages from my dad;

He doesn’t try, but as soon as I don't either everyone gets mad.

 

I am trying so hard to appease everyones expectations

But I am coming to terms with all of these toxic relations.

How can I be me when you've been making all of my moves

Can’t you see I am trying to just step to the beats of my own groove?

How am I supposed to know who I am?

You’ve raised me to think like a lamb.

You say positive notions 

But you have negative motions

And all things aside, I really do think you forget that I have emotions.

 

I know you would rebut with saying how I wasn’t abused

But I have never used that word and always chalked it up to the both of you having a short fuse.

I refuse to be used and to step onto your level.

I am trying to be my most honest self and fight my own devil.

The words “narcissist” and “bully” come to mind.

There are no other words I can really find

That fit the two of you

And how the hell could I have been so blind?

 

Where am I going?

Why aren't I soaring?

I am trying to determine the direction to drift in

But its hard with guilt chiming that my life is a sin.

I am not religious,

And to you this is blasphemous.

So in a sense you could say I am still in the closet

But what do you expect with all of the deposits?

Opinions should be irrelevant,

But I am too observant.

With this skill I have tried to blend 

And yet even then, why can't I seem to hit send? 

 

There is a lot I struggle to express,

But I am improving and will continue to do my best.

How can we move on with our lives,

When your arguments cut like knives?

I moved away because I did not feel home is where I belonged.

And you seem to constantly remind me how you are the one who has been wronged. 

 

The world keeps on moving while I've been standing still.

I lack the motivation to find a necessary thrill.

I am working on me 

That’s all it should be

But then there is you

And every beautiful thing that you do.

You found me at an awkward time.

But we kissed and it was sublime. 

Now you think I could be “the one”. 

But a piece of me already feels that we are done.

You are kind and you feel so deeply.

But how can I love someone else when I view myself so meekly? 

 

All of this white noise plays in my head.

It zombifies me into thinking I am undead.

How can’t I be wrapped up in the past?

I know I'll get better, I know this feeling won’t last.

But then I fear I'll just grow numb.

I love feeling so deeply and I am trying to march to the beat of my own drum.

I am a bit extreme with my emotions and how I feel.

Or is that society talking and me putting up a shield?

 

For the majority of four years, I thought I’d be happier flying in the sky

I thought I was different because I like the taste of a guy.

I told myself I deserved to starve

For how could I be human?

And the result, I started to carve.

Parallel lines inked my bicep in red.

At this point and time, I really needed meds.

I flushed them away because they filled me with hate.

How was I supposed to heal when that’s all they would create?

 

Don't stand out.

To move too fast is as loud as a shout.

Wait for someone else to throw their trash away,

Because if you do it first, that’s simply not okay.

Name five things you see.

This grounding technique will help you just be.

Name four things you can touch.

It shouldn’t be that hard, four isn’t much.

Name three things you can smell.

Keep breathing because this technique makes you realize you’re living in hell. 

Name two things you can hear.

All the demons momentarily disappear.

Name one thing that makes you smile.

If you try it, it’ll be worthwhile. 

 

At this point in my life, I feel as though I am staring into the dark.

I am trying to fly as high as my fellow skylarks.

I want to sing as loudly and I can.

To dull this noise makes me a more grounded man.

I have a lot to see and a lot to do,

I am rising above my ocean blue.

I want to dance in the rain

And have the confidence without my ego being sprained.

Oddly enough, I have hope.

What else is new?

I am doing my best to heal,

I am doing my best to cope. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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