Where You Can Find Me

I am known for my terrible puns and cheesy jokes.

Ironically enough, I am lactose intolerant.

Speaking of my dietary habits, I refuse to be ashamed of my size.

I will never apologize for taking up space and existing.

Extra-large reflects my extra-large generosity and capacity for kindness.

100% ME

Handle with care

Wash with love

I am the water from the spring: enriched with what nature gave me.

I am the miracle springs they talk about on the news.

I am not a plastic bottle that will end up in the gutter.

I am more than mineral water.

I am the rock that gives foundation.

I stay. I give. I purvey.

I stand firm. Solid. Heavy.

Respect me, or you will end up hurt.

Don’t try to move me or take me away.

Trying too hard will lead to injury, but chip away at me all you want.

It won’t change me.

My core structure and molecular build will remain the same regardless.

Sometimes I am like paper.

Like books, I carry knowledge

Like money you should value and protect

Like pictures: irreplaceable

Like homework you balled up out of frustration.

That when you realize you need it to benefit your grade,

you try to smooth out, knowing it will never be the same.

Now, to complete the set of rock-paper-scissors in this game of life:

I am your first pair of grown-up scissors

that cut nothing like your kids’ safety snippers.

Extra sharp and dangerous.

A foreign feeling under your touch.

If you are in my path, you will feel my wrath

(did I mention I like to rhyme?)

My words cut like freshly sharpened blades

But don’t run with me, I get tired very easily.

I am the moonlight when the world is dark.

I am the light of your phone screen in the dead of the night

because I will always give you the time of day.

I am not the product of an editing software.

I am the product of my experience and upbringing.

I am the product of today’s society,

though I fight it as best as an impotent teenage girl can.

I am not the result of the harsh camera flash or unflattering fluorescent light.

No filter can dull my glow.

#nofilter lets me shine.

Brighter than the sun’s reflection on the ocean.

They meld together until the sun goes down.

If I shine like the sun, will you be my ocean?

(I am also known for my very successful pick up lines, which is why I am single)