Where’s “daddy”

 

They say a girls first hero is there “daddy” but where was mine?

They say that dads are supposed to protect you but where were you when I 

needed to be saved?

Where was the “daddy” that every little girl had showed up with on career day.

How I was 7 when you moved our family to a place where we were alone. You had left us and said you were going on business trips but business to you was hooking up with your co-works when we were stuck at home struggling to stay happy with each other.

You said you would be back soon but you would stay weeks at a time. You said you wouldn't leave but where had my “daddy” gone.? 

What about all the daddy daughter dances we couldn't go to because you were “busy”.

Every night I would lay in my bed and wish I had a different dad who would hug me and tell me that I'm his little girl and tell me how much I mean to him but all I got was a message on the phone where you said you will be fine without me. 

All I got was a message saying stop calling me I'm busy.

I stayed up all night wondering where my daddy had gone this time, wondering when my wonderful father who I wished would come home and hug me goodnight who would kiss me on the head and tell me how much I mean to him had gone to now. 

At age 12 my “daddy” had turned into a stranger who would visit me when he needed something. 

My “daddy” had become this big man who I don't know, who asks why I won't talk, why I won't smile, why I won't laugh around him. 

He gets angry with me and says it's just because I'm homophobic of his girlfriend's son and I look at him and tell him I'm not and you get your girlfriend mad at me and I feel alone when I'm around you because you don't understand the stuff you have done to me, the things you have left out of this relationship. All the 

stuff i needed to have, all the stuff I needed to hear from you. 

Every Time you asked me if I was happy I'd lie and say yes even though we both knew I was lying so I wouldn't have to hurt the feelings of the man who had broken my heart from the time I was young till now.

I lied to the man who said I loved you with a mouth that stayed flat and said I love you in a monotone voice. Who gave me hugs that felt like they were forced, hugs that felt like he had to be doing it. 

Every picture you take of me you force me to smile and everyone can see all the smiles that aren't real. All the comments tell you how good of a dad you are when you take me to go eat after not seeing or talking to me in months because you feel you need to show on Facebook your “kid” just so people who have no idea who this monster sitting next to me is can show that he is a good “daddy.” 

I was fourteen when I decided that I would give you another shot at this “daddy” thing because I felt like you needed another chance even though you had 14 years to show me that you actually cared about me but you actually couldn't care less what would happen to me. 

I gave you this second chance and you acted like you cared for me for once in my life then the next day you were gone saying something had come up saying that you had to leave and you won't be back till later so I watched my “daddy” leave and drive away. 

When I was fifteen I went to go see my “daddy” because he had decided it was time to see him again but he had another family he had other kids who he showed how much he cared, all the hugs weren't forced he hugged them and his lips curled his eyes sparkled and he laughed with them the “I love you” came out of his mouth like a perfect harmony and not like nails on a chalkboard. I stare at him and his new family and see how happy they are, I can feel my face getting hot because that's the “daddy” I wanted. 

When I was 18 I realized I wasn’t going to get the idolized perfect dad everyone shows on tv, but I realized how far I’ve gotten without him. 

I lay up at night knowing my daddy is never comeing home. 

Im 18 and I’m about to graduate and daddy tells me he can’t make it out and I’m happy,

For the first time in 18 years. The tears are gone and there’s a smile on face. I did it by myself and daddy can’t take this from me and make it his accomplishment.