Which Daddy will it be today?

Which daddy will it be today?

 Will it be the happy one or the sad one?

 The goofy one or the serious one?

 The one that laughs and tells jokes or the one that just sits and watches the History Channel?

 Will I get the daddy that is passed out on the couch?

 Or will I get the daddy that gives me piggyback rides to my room and tucks me in at night? Everyday I had to ask myself these questions, 

but I didn’t understand why. 

I just thought that was how everyone’s dad was. 

I didn’t realize my dad was an alcoholic until the fifth grade. 

Alcoholic or not, I was a daddy’s girl all the way.

I loved my dad to pieces and whether it was the drunk daddy or the sober daddy,

I loved him the same. 

Drunk or sober, he still went to every sports game, school play, award ceremony, or band concert. 

It was alcohol that killed him during my freshman year in high school. 

I was devastated. 

When he passed, I felt as though I never really knew who my dad was. 

There were so many people coming up to me

and telling me stories about a man that I began to be unsure if I ever knew. 

Of course I loved my dad,

but the stories they told me about this amazing man that touched so many lives sounded far off.

I saw my dad help people countless times drunk or sober,

but none of those people knew about the alcohol.

They didn’t know that he drank as soon as he got home from work every day.

They didn’t see him passed out on the couch countless times as I did.

It has been over four years and the sadness is still there and in full swing.

Every single day I think about my dad and how my life may be now if he was still here.

I tell myself everyday that my dad won’t be there to see me graduate college.

 My dad can’t walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.

 My family gave me a bracelet with his initials on it, so that he’ll be with me in some way

. It doesn’t help at all.

 He’ll never be here.

 My dad chose a bottle of alcohol over these moments and it still hurts.

 I don’t have to ask myself the question of “Which daddy will I get today?”

because I can’t have either.