White Rice

My Mom still buys Zebra Cakes and Junior Mints because they remind her of you

She eats them to feel close to you

we don't say but I know it

Just like how I watch Lilo and Stich and Monte Python just to picture you sitting near me with blurry and watery eyes at every touching moment

 I can't remember how your laugh sounds anymore

So, I cling to the bits and pieces I do have

I'm fine until I remember that you strategically eat your food by degree of favoritism so that the last thing you taste is your favorite

I'm fine until I'm laying on the floor in child's pose after a workout and I realize I'm watching Lilo and Stich because it's one of your favorites

Like how you ordered white rice instead of fried rice because I always order white rice

I hate the term 'first love' 

I never thought you of you in those terms, ever

One day my sister said you were my first love

It's so invalidating, not that she meant it to be, it just is

like love is ranked in numerical order, like any other love has less significance or more etc

I always thought of you as the love of my life

but I should probably say, lifetimes.