Who AM I?

I think of my near future—depart the plane, find my bag. Make my way out to my family, who wait for me, wait with baited breath, ready to share all of the experiences that I missed, as well as to hear every detail of mine. But how could they understand the depth of my experience?

They never will. I will be home… but also so far from home. My family will stand in front of me, and I will smile and embrace them—but with a heavy heart.

I am not the person that they knew. I’m not the person people used to know or see. I love them dearly, but they do not know me as I have become.

I am not as they remember me. Though outside I appear static, I have changed. Though over time they will come to know me again, those who transformed alongside me will remain family to me forever. I have changed.

I was always scared and frightened and out of place—I have discovered direction. Who AM I? I have struggled for so long with that damn question. Who AM I? What do I feel? Should I feel that way? Who AM I? What do I doubt? What do I believe in? Who AM I? Why am I not like this? Why not like that? Why not secure? Why never secure, never sure, always timid and afraid? Who AM I? Am I annoying? Am I too loud? Who is really my friend? WHO AM I? Always questions, always doubting myself. Who AM I? I always acted, I always put on a show, I never let people see the devastating turmoil and swirling nerves beneath my skin. Who AM I?

Who?

And now I know. I know because I have been told. I know because I have seen. I have seen in the words of Greece, of Portugal, of Cyprus. I have seen in the words of Napoli, and of Bulgaria. I have seen in the words of my family, and I have discovered on my own, and now I know who I am.

I am smart. I am capable. I have skills, I have talents. I am valuable. I am influential. I am convincing. I am a patriot, an arguer, and a diplomat. I am a social dominator, and I am finally okay with that, and I finally understand that who I am is not hinged on the thoughts of other people, but rather heightened by their reactions to who I am.

I’m secure, safe, and comfortable. I no longer live in fear of judgment, in fear of saying the wrong thing, of thinking the wrong thing. I am individual, and I am an amazing individual. I finally know that I will find success.

As I come home to my family, I will realize that who I am has developed so much. They will meet the new me, and they will like what they see, just as I have, and just as I do. And I will finally be secure in myself for the first time in my life. I’m not the same person people knew 4 weeks ago. I look back at myself and smile at the change. I shook the insecurities that haunted me for years and years. I developed security in myself, and I’m never going back.

Never back to the scared boy inside,

never back to insecurity, Never back to confusion and depression, never back. –never.