Who Am I?

by ekelley97

March 6, 2015

My hair is perfectly curled. My makeup is on point.

My shoulders are pushed back, I'm standing up straight.

My face is tilted so you can't see the pimple on my cheek.

While I'm holding my breath and sucking in my stomach,

You can't tell how big I really am.

Okay, eyebrows are raised so you can see my eyes clearly.

Click. No, you can see a hint of my double chin.

Click. No, my left eye is squinted.

I keep forgetting my smile is too big, I can't show teeth.

Click. No, my hair is not perfectly parted down both shoulders.

Click. Finally, this one isn't that bad.

My smirk isn't too big. You can see my eyes. My dimples look decent.

My hair, it doesn't look healthy. It's suppose to be brown.

Why does it look gray?

I can't put that on Instagram.

I'll just add a filter.

“Lo-fi”, it always brightens up the picture.

Or maybe “Inkwell”. Black and white doesn't show color,

It'll take out the redness from the breakout on my chin.

And it won't make my nose look as shiny.

I guess that is the best choice.

But what am I without it all?

Take away the black and white, you have a pale picture.

Take away the seventeen different takes, you have a weird pose.

Take away the long minutes of prepping myself,

All the hair, makeup, different poses,

You have a girl.

A girl who hides behind the makeup.

A girl who spends hours on her hair,

trying to make it acceptable

for the halls of high school.

A girl who tries on four different outfits each morning

to cover up the insecurities of her body.

She tries to build a picture to show the world who she longs to be.

One that won't show how disappointed she is in herself.

For letting herself gain weight,

thirty-two pounds to be exact.

For letting what others think

lead her to starvation.

For not loving herself enough

to BE enough.

When I take a selfie, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm shy.

I hide behind the things that can cover me up.

I disguise my true self,

Not only to please others,

But to please myself too.

One day, I hope and pray, I'll be enough.

Not for those who judge me. Not those who look down on me.

No.

I'll be enough for me.

And that'll be the only thing that matters.

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