Who I am.

Sometimes I wonder what is actually wrong with me. For starters I'm a stuttery mess with all consuming anxiety. I think to much and it suffocates me. It's like I get lost in myself and forget to how to breathe. My mind is a war that I don't expect to win. And I often wonder when my life will begin. Doctors have tried to diagnose me with all sorts of things. I have high highs and low lows; I'm crazy, so it seems. Sometimes I think I'm a pure sociopath. I sit here all angry and I have all this wrath. I cry when I'm happy and laugh when I'm sad. People who are normal say it cant be that bad. But I'll overthink the smallest gestures and fixate for days. And my biggest fear is loving, because nobody stays. And then I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I envy pretty girls who I wish I could be. The ones with perfect smiles and dainty little figures. I have body dysmorphia, so I'll always feel 10 times bigger. He told me I was too much but also not enough. And trying to convince myself he was wrong is tougher than tough. Also what if I'm a bad mother and he'd never know the difference. The fact that God gave him me, is his unfair life sentence. And speaking of God, I'm not even sure what I believe. Because if he is real why does all this bad stuff happen to me. I want nothing more to be a good woman and an even better mother. Because My son is my whole world and all we have is eachother. I want to heal and get healthy, but I'm stuck on where to start. Because they say the journey to self love, is not for faint of heart. Some how I will move on from the things that made me who I am. But the first thing I have to do is find the strength to think I can.