WHO'S YOUR DADDY

 

I've never been afraid of much in my life 
Except for the boogey man that lived in our home 
  
I was the keeper of family secrets for so many years, afraid of what would happen to my family if I ever told. It's terrible to be made to feel responsible for 8 brothers and sisters when you are so young. 

I do have a secret that I was ashamed of for so many years. 

I have a daughter named Raven. She is 33 years old and has NARP syndrome. She is almost blind, she can only walk for a block before her legs give out on her and she is learning disabled. She had 3 children, 2 of them died from the same disease she has and her surviving daughter has the same thing. Arial, her daughter was diagnosed last week with being deaf in one ear and she is near blind too. 

I have always blamed myself for her Illness because there is a strong chance that she is my fathers daughter. I couldn't barely force myself to hug her because she was so un-normal and because I always thought she was a product of rape from my father and she disgusted me. My poor daughter deserved a much better mother than me. 

I gave her to my mother when she was born because I couldn't touch her and felt repulsion and had crippeling panic attacks just being near her. 

The first time I remember my father doing something to me I was 3 years old. When Raven was 1 yr old, I started having severe panic attacks and dreams about my father raping her. My mother has never liked me and flat out refused to give her back to me because she thought I was unfit to be a mother because of my drug and alcohol abuse. The Pot calling the kettle black. 

I would never have forgiven myself for letting her stay there because I knew what would happen. I had to blackmail my father just to get her back. I told him id she wasn't back in my home within 2 days, I would tell my mother and everyone whom my father knew what he had done. He returned her to me the next day. 

The sad part is that I could barely look at her without disgust, but I figured being with me would be a lot better than being with my parents. I had to fake my feelings for Raven because I didn't want her to grow up feeling unloved. 

The sicker she got, the more I thought it was a punishment from god, because I truly believed that nothing good was allowed for me, only bad things were allowed. In my mind, I knew she was my fathers child because of this very same thinking. I felt she was my punishment, my cross to bear, but for the sake of her I would act like I loved her and she would never have to know how i felt about her. 

It has taken me all of my life, but I truly love her now and I will have to watch over her my whole life because she cannot fully take care of herself with the blindness and other problems. 

I did the best I could for her, which of course is not good enough. But I tried and still try to do right by her. I still have to force myself to touch her, I get nauseated when I hug her and can't breath with severe panic attacks. But I do love her the best I can and she does not know that I feel this way. Thank God for that. 

Well. That's my dirty little secret. There you go. Have at it. 
I deserve any rebuke that you can heap on me but I'm ok with that. There is nothing anyone can say to me that I have not said to myself. I disgust myself for having these feelings. No amount of prayers make these feelings go away.  

I didn't know what else to do but to keep her from my father and do the best I could for her with me having such a damaged mind. 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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