why

I looked at the label on the plastic cup and think to Myself

"I'm so fucked"

And in this moment I realized

All my luck is has run dry 

And my stomach sunk and the thought of what she would say

My mom

I started to think of the disappointment in her eyes as she would sigh

"you're grounded"

Followed by the question why

The thing is 

I know exactly why, however, I can't tell her

God, I could never tell her 

Because the same reason why is why I feel so dead inside 

If I tell her the truth then she would be heart broken

But maybe if I had spoken about it earlier this year

Maybe she would have cared 

Just maybe she would take the time to say 

"My dear, I love you for who you are. Not what I want you to be."

The acceptance is what I need

The acceptance is what I crave 

Its all I need to hear before I begin to cave like a roof with really bad water damage

Maybe if she were to say,

"if you're happy, I'm happy." 

There would be trust and communication

And then the simple hate that would be simply gone 

Maybe then I would be able to breathe 

Then maybe I would be able to say "I'm so happy" without feeling like I'm lying 

And this may sound sappy 

But I would take a bullet for my mom 

I love her with all my heart, however,

It's beginning to feel like a war between her and I over what makes me sad and what makes me happy 

I know it's bad 

Trust me, it hurts us both 

But it hurts even worse 

When she finds a way to make my emotions slope into something I can not control

And it's like I'm a plastic bottle being filled with acid

The war between me and her causes me to lash out 

And she decides to ask me "why?" 

I just wish I never had to hide what I want to say 

But I locked myself in my room anyways

 Because I'd rather hurt myself than to ever hurt her

And even though my plan is backfiring 

All im doing is lying 

Lying to myself thinking "it's only temporary"

Its become unnecessary to believe

That this irritability lasts as the small pinch from a vaccine injection from the doctor

But it's not

It will not be temporary if I just sit here 

Doing nothing but trying to cope with the possible hope that maybe things will change 

And every night I whisper to myself 

"things will get better" 

But when? 

When will I finally take the chance to change for the better?

When will I finally be able to stand up for myself without my body trying to signal my conscience 

To say "you better go get her" 

As my soul begins to sink ferther and ferther into the black void that is my mind

Quickly sinking as if my own venerability is pulling me faster and faster

So that when I try to scream my lungs fill with water and I can't do anything

 Can't fight back

 Can't breathe 

And sometimes I think about tying the knot between me and her 

Like fixing a ripped blanket 

But I can't  

If I try then the reason why will fall as fast as a car from a 10 story building  

It would break her beautiful heart 

And I know you have to love yourself more than anyone else 

But I won't 

Its hard when I body has its own host

Its hard when aggressive voices in my head grab my throat every morning when I wake up

"you're nothing"

They would scream to me

When all i want is to be something 

Not just another depressed human being 

But something I can shout with the force of my lungs 

Without being even the slightest bit remorseful and be so proud

And so 

I finally took the time and pressed my lips against a cold glass pipe 

Took a hit 

The voices stopped 

Took another hit

"I can breathe"

 I could feel the head rush as I sit on the curb at 2:37 AM

Took another hit

I felt the soft hot smoke intrude my lung

The burnt taste stained tongue

"I can finally breathe"

In the moment I realized it's not too late to fix our bond again 

Even though 

There's going to be some end 

Just like the end of a book or a movie 

The ending is ether glorious or tragic 

Some even seem like magic but even though we're in middle battle 

It's never too late to stop and calmly mend the torn edges 

And what I would say to her is 

No matter what

I will be there for you 

I'll be there for all your ends even if painful 

Like your last warm hug 

Last kiss on the cheek

Last hello 

Even your last goodbye 

Sk my answer to you my darling mother,

Is that I love you 

And that's the reason I can't tell you why

P.F.