Why?

Dear the first boy I said those 3 little words to,  

It's been 3 days and I am so sorry that you felt like I didn't want to be with you. I had a lot of stuff going on. I got into a fight with my best friend and didn't want to go out,  but you didn't understand that. I understand that you had practice and you do every weekend all day, but I still miss you. I wanted you to text me in your off time. You were never the first one to text, so I tested you a couple times and would see how long it would take you to text first. I now wish that I wasn't so petty and texted first. I just wanted to feel wanted. You never got me... We were friends since grade school and together for 10 months. You never understood when I really needed you or what to say. You never got my family. You never could tell what I was thinking just by looking at me. I needed you to do that. I explained it to you and you still failed to do those things. I wanted you to be that person for me.

I told you I loved you after spending time with your family and then coming back to my house to play games and eat dinner with my family. You asked me how I knew. I told you why. You didn't say it back. You said it a week later, on New Years. That was only 3 weeks ago. You loved me 3 weeks ago...

How can you go from saying you love me and kissing me goodnight to 2 days later saying you don't have time for me. I was lonely this weekend. You spent it all at practice and were never interested in texting me. I needed you. I don't understand why this happened. One weekend shouldn't have defined us. Practice will be over in 2 weeks and then we'll have time to figure it out before it starts again. And then it won't even be for a full day, just 2 hours every day. We could have worked on that.

You said you weren't happy anymore, but you didn't realize how unhappy I was on my own. You told me to look at you so you could do this the right way, but I couldn't even bear to do that.

At school, all my friends still talk to you. I'm not asking them not to talk to you. I just wish they didn't talk to you in front of me. I had a panic attack when our teacher said that the computer was making the groups because I was scared that I would be in your group. I don't know what I would've said if I was in your group. I don't even know what to say to you anymore.

I need answers. Why did you say you loved me if you were going to break up with me? How long were you thinking about this? Why did you not say everything that was on your mind? How did you stop loving me so fast? Why do you look upset when I laugh at school? You should know me better than to think that I'm fine. I'm not fine. I put on a face at school to make it seem like I'm okay. I want to avoid all the questions and deal with it on my own. I'm not necessarily looking to get back together. I just want to know why.

All my friends are telling me not to text you, but I've had 4 dreams about you texting me late at night just to talk. I want to talk to you. I don't know what to do. It's only been 3 days but I miss talking to you. I miss ranting to you or telling you funny stories. I miss us. I miss falling asleep on FaceTime to you yelling at your video games that I called stupid. I want to talk to you again. I want answers. I want closure. I still have the hat, bag, and canvases that you made me. Looking at them is painful but it reminds me of the good times that we had. I miss us. I miss you. I don't like being upset about this and seeing you be upset too. Maybe if we could just talk one more time. Maybe we could both not have to act happy around our friends. Thank you for being the first boy I loved and still love.

Sincerely,

Ann