Why am I Broken?

It shouldn't be like this

I'm still really young

But every time I think of you

I know I won't move on

Bad things happened

And now I can't function

I want to move on, but I'm afraid

And I don't think I can

You came on a day

Just like any other

You were my first

Which made you the worst

I was young and naive

You had you're whole life ahead

But when someone drove by

You were found dead

We did all we could

But nothing could save you

Who would have known

Small bodies carry the most grief

So here I am now 

More than two years later

I still drink to forget

But I can never forget you

I've avoided the field

For the last couple years

I need to go back

But I'm really scared

I think to myself

"What's worse than a child's death?"

But then I think of all the cruelty

In this terrible world we live on

People hurt children

And even worse than that

If the monster is hurt

I might have to care for them

As if they didn't just become

The very monster I fear

As if they were the child

Who won't reach the next year

Or deal with the death of multiple people

And always blaming myself

For not being smart enough

To save them

I think of these things

Nearly all the time

Am I really so cowardly

To keep avoiding the field?

I used to think being a paramedic

Was a little bit glamorous

A little enviable

But now all I see is blood

And it's all on my hands