"Why are you so quiet?"

When it rains I think about the days in which we all failed. 

The thoughts sail through my mind rapidly. 

And sadly these ships overfill with water,

and let me drown. 

As I sunk down the memories overcame me. 

----

Critics and accusations tailed her, my mother. 

She worked two jobs to support the kids she never planned for. 

Wrong decisions to responsibilities. 

Pregnant at fifteen. 

No one could hear her screams

because they stayed hidden in her thoughts. 

And as much as she fought the fears and the tears and the haters

They all continued to persist, to insist. 

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SCREW UP! 

But she made up her mind

In time, they would all see that she could do it on her own. 

 

Critics and accusations tailed him, my father. 

He would once religiously take his daily dose of alcohol. 

But then he became faithful. To a woman? To his freedom? To his peace? 

He believed that God was his answer

and he would pray every day for a change to be made 

In his life. 

And though the Devil wept 

YOURE A HYPOCRITE. NOTHING MORE THAN A WORTHLESS IMMIGRANT. 

He told himself that God would take the wheel 

And steer him in the right direction. 

 

Critics and accusations tailed us, the children. 

We think about the days we spent alone. 

When our fathers were gone living different lives. 

And mommy stayed out all night, working. 

When the questions would appear, as if they were always lurking. 

And we would listen

Who will you be? 

Will the apple fall far from the tree? 

Why does it have to be this way? 

Why do the foundations of every home we live in cave in beneath us? 

Over thirty homes were destroyed. 

That wasn't the only thing thing that crumbled

In time: my hope, my pride, my joy eroded away as I stumbled through these streets. 

And all my teachers seemed to ask me

Why are you so quiet? 

These tortured thoughts hung at the tip of my tongue but never fell. 

Instead I'd tell these well constructed lies to disguise the pain. 

I'm going insane because the unspoken words were trapped within my throat and I would start to choke. 

I realized it was harder to say what I wanted to say 

What I wanted to scream. 

I CANT BREATHE. 

To my surprise, I learned to swallow it down. 

These unspoken words were never to be found. 

 

As the years speeded through. 

The essence of each day felt new 

because my sister and I moved into a house that didn't crumble. 

The home of my father. 

 

These times felt strange

 like everything would be okay. 

But in one rapid motion, a trigger was pulled

My uncle dead, and everyone else full of despair. 

 

Lalo, it rained on your birthday and at your funeral

It rained every time someone spoke of you. 

I wonder if that's just serendipitous 

or if it was deliberately planned. 

 

Lalo, you are loved by the entire family and more. 

I felt it in the core of my stomach as I watched my mother cry. Despite all the times she would try to cover the hurting in the past,

I knew this time her heart was actually breaking. 

 

Lalo, you're a force to be reckoned with. 

Whether defending our country or spending time with family. 

We will always remember the happiness you transmitted.

And your insane enthusiasm about life. 

 

Lalo, I hope you rest in peace. 

And that one day I could be just as free spirited. 

 

Because I've been thinking too much

About what is real and what is not 

And my blood is beginning to clot. 

Disconnecting my brain from my heart.

And they start commotions, 

My thoughts and my emotions. 

My brain tells me life is so pointless

My heart yells that I should be careless and free. 

I want to be, free I mean. 

But my mind is dictator 

The only thing that can tame her 

Is the rain. So serene 

As she thinks about the days we all failed. 

 

Overthinking once again. 

And trying to pretend that it doesn't happen.