Why Courtship In Fairy Tales Doesn't Make Any Sense

Once upon a time

In the land of make-believe,

I thought she was the villain

And I the heroine.

All I ever asked for,

In terms of a certain value,

Was a good amount of work ethic

And loyalty of no bound.

My daughters found it fitting;

Indeed, reasonable and just.

They refused to argue with me

And agreed to work with me thus.

But she,

She!

The dastardly she!

She dared to defy my crown.

She bent that prince's

Shining ear Towards her

And the lowly ground.

A shoe size determines whom he marries?

Ha! Then he ought to have married me!

Such standards of podiatry love,

I tell you, are not the easiest to believe.

But I drone on and on

About that worry and woe.

You may think I am unhappy,

But trust me, that is not so.

Now that she,

She,

That evil she

Is finally out of my home,

My daughters and I,

Well, I cannot lie,

Have never been better,

Oh!

Why is that, you say?

Well, I suppose if you must hear it;

Write this down, my lovely dear,

For this is vital knowledge.

There's this man on 51st Street

Who specializes in fanciful woe;

He's the best kind of liar, you see

He's a lawyer--for civil cases, you know.

So yes, I went to him,

And pled to him my case.

He said, "You have quite the problem.

"I'll see what I can do post-haste."

Months later, we appeared

Before a court of law.

The lawyer called upon the prince

And the girl and said it all:

"My clients have been mistreated!

"For theirs was not a fair case;

"This prince here, based his marriage on a shoe

"And blatantly spat in their face.

"To wed based on shoe-size

"Is to discriminate a fair chance;

"And discrimination, as we are all well aware

"Is a terrible crime to commence.

"Hear me, oh court of people!

"This ball was indeed a sham.

"Hearts were broken, ladies ignored;

"This is an affront to all things human!"

So, yes,

Once upon a time

In the land of make-believe,

I thought she was the villain

And I the heroine.

But after all that,

In the end, I finally got what I deserved.

Cinderella, she was sued,

And I was reimbursed.

So I recommend, my dear Ursula,

That lawyer on 51st Street

To any so-called villainess

Who feels offended

By their treatment

In the land of make-believe.