Why my feathers are Grey

"The darkness that hovers over me is horribly thick; it keeps me from feeling happiness, from hearing the cries of my own soul being broken from seeing the 'light' that shines on all Gods children, and yet I smile towards you. I feel as if I caused you, my own family, endless sorrow and shame and yet I can still utter the beautiful words 'I love you' or 'I love you too'. I've plenty of times thought death was the only way of redeeming myself and ending the nightmare that started on March 14th, 1996. I want nothing more than to know what my purpose is, so perhaps I can change these feelings. I want to know what is Gods will for me, and why he let me survive the birth, the fire and even the poison." I sank to the floor crying asking God what is intended for me. I still await an answer.