Why Not Me?

Knock on the door like you care

And tell me to come out there

My clothes are heavy

With the water that surrounds me

Sitting in the tub at night

Letting myself believe you’re right

When you tell me everything will be just fine

I watch you talk and smile

To other people and I ache all the while

I know it is wrong of me

To want you to keep

But I can’t imagine sharing you

I am sad and selfish too

And I know that knowing would hurt you

My jaw locks up whenever you draw near

I don’t know if it’s love or fear

But I throw the curtains out so wide

And talk to the night as I cry and cry

Because I know that you don’t need me

There are few things I could be

That would make you love me substantially

I’m not wearing real clothes tonight

I did not expect you to stop by

So I sit here drowning slowly

In sweatpants and a shirt that’s dirty

You pound on the door and tell me to open it

So I slide it open still dripping wet

And at least I know that if I vanished you would come to check

I’m so lonely

It overtakes me

Just like fire

And just like barbed wire

It makes me want to open up and scream

As the wrong life movie plays on the screen

My god what did I do to end up me

Why must you lie

When you say I’ll be fine

And why can’t you see

I need you to choose me

I could live with

All the other people if

You told me I am yours as we sit

And my heart beats in rhythm

Circles that never end

Tell me why they don’t stop

Tell me why they’ve been caught

On so many thorns

Why must I be torn

By all the things of which I want more

I am so utterly alone

I don’t have a reason to pick up the phone

And in the dim light of the bathroom

You tell me I’m a fool for not doing so

There are a thousand messages for me

Happy birthday, may your Christmas be merry

Please respond, I am worried

You hug me tight

And ask me why,

Why not me?

Why can’t you see?

And the tears come so quickly

As you hold me

But I know it’s imaginary

Because you wouldn’t kiss me

And you wouldn’t hold me

No matter how hard I wish

I can’t make real this

And as you ask me again why not me

Why don’t you love me, why can’t you see

I ache knowing this isn’t to be

The drafty door creaks open

And I am left alone and broken

You vanish into the air

And leave company short and scarce

I check my phone

Not a message at all to hold close

And I come undone within the walls of my home

Turn the kettle on

As I watch it boil I am gone

Pour the water all over my hands

And scream as on flesh it lands

Tell me it’s only what I deserve

Because if you said it I could endure

And the screams in my head would slow to a murmur

I don’t understand

Why you won’t make any plans

Why won’t you just let me love you

Why won’t you simply let me adore you

I don’t understand why you turn away

I don’t understand why you refuse to stay

I don’t understand what it is I am doing wrong from day to day

Why won’t you choose too

I’m so afraid to lose you

And I need you to make my

Sad little life bright

Why not me

Why can’t you see

I love you, please

Let go of the waking world

Lose myself in a blur

Let you take it

All my days, spent

Why not me

I cannot see

I cannot breathe