Why is this still hard

Today was a bad day

these days make me feel like my own body needs to pay

I know I should talk to someone

I know I'm not the only one

but its so fucking hard 

Seeing my own mom play the "mental hospital card"

My body makes me cry

My life is beggining to feel like one big lie

Every meal makes me sick

There is no tool or trick

that can make this hurt less

Why am I such a mess

Why do I feel the need to punish myself 

You're supposed to love yourself

I did all of the programs and all of the classes

this worked for the masses

Im supposed to be easy now

Im supposed to be normal,but this fragile body won't allow

Why do I feel like tearing my skin away from my bone

Why do I push everyone away until I am all alone

Why doesn't it work for me

What can I not see

Why do I hate my progress

Why do I still obsess

Why does weight gain feel suffocating

Shouldn't this feel better than fainting

The scars are fading

why do I crave to be aching

Why can't I just be okay

Why can't I find the right words to say

I knew this wasn't going to be easy

But why do I still feel so uneasy

Why doesn't it feel any better

I write letter after letter

explaining how this is destroying me

How its taking everything to just be me

Why can I never send them

Why does this feel like im trying to condemn

Why can't I just feel normal, just for a little while

Why do I just say I'm okay and smile