Will I Ever Rest?

I wail at the top of my lungs in a deep cry even though I know my agony will be hidden under my anxious smile that I make visible everyday.

And yes. I am tired.

When will I get to rest?

This anger that I have buried inside of me goes past my mind, my heart, and my soul. This feeling is a fuel that can be lit at any second. A volcano that will erupt at any time. A wound that must bleed out now.

And yes. I am tired.

When will I get to rest?

This mysterious fear that I have lies within my body. Fear is what keeps me up at night. Fear is what keeps my head down during the day. But when I do look up, it's my laughter that keeps everyone from thinking something is wrong.

And yes. I am tired.

When will I get to rest?

And please. Do not ask if I am okay. Do not ask if I need anything. Because as you speak this question and my dreadful eyes meet your concerned look, I will break. And everyone will know what I have been hiding and trying to avoid this whole time.

And yet, I am still tired.

Is it a possibility that I will ever rest?

YES! Silence is my best form of a coping mechanism. Because that cry of mine is contained when I don't speak. That anger that I have is under control when I choose to be speechless. My fear drowns when no one can hear me.

And yes. Even with silence I am tired.

But when will I get to rest?