Winter Nights, Plexiglass Windows

I do not wish to stare

Out of this Plexiglass window that shouts my name, taunts me.

Yet it refuses

To let me leave this world.

My trembling, tired fingers

Reach for some source of life--

Only to find, only to recall

That I am at a hospital, and I am losing my fight.

I had wanted to take my life

For nights

And somehow, the snow beating down through the translucent windows

Makes me sadder and sadder,

Tells me things that I already know

About my condition.

That I'm losing hope

That I'm insane

That this world doesn't need someone so broken, so plain...

I penned some version of this very poem

That winter night

In a hospital chair, with a crayon, wishing for relief.

As I wrote, I was reminded of my depression, my wishes to die

But was am also filled with reasons

To try.

I knew that if I was not alive, I would no longer see

The beauty of the snow beyond the Plexiglass windows

Or the recovering me.