Wish To Be Invincible

When is it going to end?

How many more times, I’ll be here, sitting by my window like this? How many more nights of silent sobbing?
At the end of the day, I blame myself for all this mess. God knows, I am the mess. I am the crime and I am the punishment.
I want to be alone, all alone, all the time. But loneliness creeps up and runs it’s fingers through my hairs, sending shivers down my spine.
I want to scream, shout and writhe in agony. But I stay still. Let silent tears flow with clenched fists. Let my pillow know, what the world never has.
I hate being this way. I am sick of torturing myself with my thoughts. And above all, I am tired. Tired of letting the monsters feed on me and win. I hand them the trophy every time.
I am too fragile. And I have been broken down into pieces far too many times. And while my pieces lay there, unnoticed, they changed. Parts of me grew splinters, parts of me became double edged, like a dagger.
There were times when people got too close to me. And I didn’t have to lure them in. They stayed for a while, but they ran away, on their heels, as soon as they saw what they never wanted to see.
They walked out of my life without a word, for the darkness inside of me was too much for their pure hearts. They hoped to see a light in my eyes, and all that found was despair held by wounded knuckles.
So that’s just how it is. People leave. I don’t even want them to come in the first place. And I keep cursing the blink of an eye that makes the shooting star go away. I keep wishing, and forgetting.
I don’t hope for this pain to end. I know it won’t. My reasons today will change tomorrow, and I’ll live with new reasons to be miserable. All I wish for is to become invisible. Even to myself.