Wishes in Hell

A room made of darkness,

Pitch black so I can't see.

The haunting moan of loneliness, in the distance, it calls for me.

What once was full of light and the occasional flicker of pain,

Has slowly dimmed to a charcoal color once again.

I hold in my hands what is left of warmth, a small candle

with a blue flame.

I raise it high to brighten the room

but it's fading glow just isn't the same.

I wonder if this is what was meant to be,

If this is who I am supposed to become.

Because my will is weak and my lies are strong,

And with love I am assuredly done.

I want so much to light

the flame of a love-filled fireplace,

But my demons in the darkness surrounding me

always push everyone away.

And here am I once again facing my demons

because they like to come out and play,

It seems I need to harden my heart for good,

so "please somone kill me" becomes a thing I'll no longer care to say.

 

Maybe I'm broken beyond all possible repair,

a piece of scrap left over from the colliding of two war tanks.

Maybe I'm destined to spend my days alone and 

misunderstood allowing desperation to desecrate my flanks.

I look down at my candle barely aglow in the darkness of sin,

And I wish I was the person I was before I let all the corruption of life begin.

I wish I was that innocent and pure girl that I used to be,

When I saw only the best in people and had a chance to live life peacefully.

I wish I hadn't known the pain of another showing me

my beating heart before they crushed it,

Nor seen the face of apathy in it's struggle to form a believable lie.

I wish I hadn't felt the irreversible rock bottom

that coerced me into wanting to die.

Perhaps if I had not experienced the soul-scarring pain I call my first love,

Maybe I'd be able to be sane again and we both could rise above.

The darkness swirls around me, I am blinded by the sin,

And I fear that I must protect you from it, so I tell myself not to let you in.

I hear your voice fading away in the direction where loneliness prefers to dwell,

And when you're finally gone because you've had enough

My candle will extinguish and I will end my life in Hell.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741