Without

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

I learned once

That if you’ve been sad

For two weeks or more

(To put it simply I guess)

They call you clinically depressed instead.

I remember thinking

What do they call two years?

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

I no longer know

Who I really am.

Sadness takes over

My once-lovely soul

Like moss over the trees,

Like the very first bite

Of the first winter freeze.

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

The words he told me

Play in my head,

Forever on repeat

Like a broken record:

You’re too sad for me.

You’re too sad for me.

You’re too sad for me.

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

The words he told me

Play in my head,

Forever on repeat

Like a broken record:

I prayed for a boy.

I prayed for a boy.

I prayed for a boy.

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

The words she told me

Play in my head,

Forever on repeat

Like a broken record:

I have a safe place for us.

I have a safe place for us.

I have a safe place for us.

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

The words I said

Play in my head,

Forever on repeat

Like a broken record:

I’m scared.

I’m scared.

I’m scared.

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

I try to grow

Like a flower breaking ground,

Coming up for air

In the spring light,

Feeling dew drops on my leaves

As I push up

Through the darkness of the soil.

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

I am not a flower.

I have never been delicate,

Liable to break in a soft wind.

I am a strong evergreen,

Weathering the storm.

I am perseverance,

Even through the winter death.

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

But after everything

I have been through,

All the obstacles in my way;

After all I have done,

All the battles I have fought;

Who has a definition for all?

What is happiness?

I cannot live

Without my happiness.

I take the negatives,

The darkness that chases me

Through the nightmares of my mind,

And create a positive,

A single light to show the way.

I live

My happiness.