Without You

A lot of my stories start with math

What can I say? 

The subject bonds people

I met you at night

sitting next to me in calculus

and then we saw each other

in workshop

What a coincidence

I thought you were weird-looking at first

Your head was too much in the shape of an oval 

You were so much taller than me 

Your build was so much bigger than me 

I thought you were two years older than me

It turns out appearances are wrong

You're my age

We exchanged numbers

started talking

texting

all the time

hanging out

during class

during workshop

after workshop

before workshop

Your company was welcome

I was lonely

So were you 

Two lonely people sitting next to each other

How romantic, huh? 

Well, fast forward to now

I call you my ex-friend

We never dated

because you didn't want to 

despite our frickin

good morning texts

good night texts

24/7 texts

frequent Snaps

How could you not think you were leading me on?

Why weren't you wearing a shirt in your house?

Did you want me to admire your shoulders?

You made me so uncomfortable

I was trapped

I tried to put up with you 

But for my own sake, 

I had to cut you out of my life

took those scissors

and snipped you away

deleted our stupid picture together

from when we were in the library

and exchanged Snapchat usernames

erased that idiotically happy image of us

at my brothers' high school

I don't want to hear from you again

Don't you dare text me once more

because I will block you again if I need to 

What we had was good

I won't say it was all bad

But there were so many red flags I overlooked

because I wanted to believe you liked me, too

And now look at us

I can't stand you

You have a gift for me

I don't want it 

You want to hear from me

I don't want to talk to you

Do I feel guilty?

Yes

Why?

Because I let myself think you wanted me

I don't believe that anymore

Now I think you want my attention

you want to share your life with me

You want to keep me awake at night

you want me to go to your shows

you want my mom's chocolate strawberries

you want to eat lunch with me

But you don't want me

You don't want my craziness

You don't want me to take care of myself

You don't want me to create distance between us

So that's why I can't text you back

I respect myself too much

to run back to you

Life without you has been much happier

I'm not stressed about seeing you

I'm learning how to love myself

I'm safe without you

Who would've thought

leaving you

would be healthy for me?