The Worst Thing I Can Do

Sometimes I'm broken down and am heartless

I tend to self destruct when things go too well

Overthinking, overanalyzing every step I ever took forward

Only to find out I've been going backwards my whole life

I think life's a game

Where there is only few winners

I never lose, but then again I never win

I push away the people I love, yet

like the water they return back to my shore

Only not as deep as before

I am afraid of being engulfed in the emotions

that comes with the need to be loved

but "uncertainty turns me on"

I am committed to the fear of commitment

Wanting to be held, but never wanting to be touched

always wanting to be needed but never wanting to need

I am a tower sending mixed signals

At times it's good morning to goodnight

and next I’ve gone missing in action

I make excuses for my emotions

I rather not feel pain or be hurt

so in exchange I sacrifice my comfort and health

Sometimes I breakdown and am heartless

I don't wanna fall victim to my emotions

as if they are the predator that stalks me at night

When I’m the one doing the hunting {sharpening my spear?)

I wish I can see and not feel

understand what each emotion is

instead of walking around blind to each unfamiliar wave

I pretend to be well composed when I can't even feel myself think

Logic stolen from my mind

the only road map I have

so the worst thing I can do

is tell you I love you

when I know it's all a lie