The Wound, Still Raw

Why do we suck so much at the only thing we claim we trust?

I can make my declarations ALL DAY LONG

But at night, my resolve turns to dust.

Well I knew this was coming for 13 years

Thought I'd keep my head up,

Just choke back the tears

But when I saw you, laying there lifeless,

I couldn't fight the sensation of pain

And the heart of gold you always loved went lightless.

I spoke so confidently about the God that you served

But there was a bitter taste to all my words

As I spoke them.

Because I'm still in pieces,

And He's supposed to heal the broken.

WELL I AM BROKEN, SO WHERE ARE YOU?!

I MADE A DECISION TO FOLLOW

COULD YOU PLEASE START LEADING?!

My Grandpa's rejoicing.

I'm laying here bleeding.

The Man of God passed away

And I've used this dark time

To fall into the arms of a lesser love I left behind.

Speaking of which, Grandpa,

Did you know I'm in love?

Yeah. It's great.

ONE MORE SET OF MARITAL FANTASIES

ONE MORE DEMON TO PIN ME DOWN AND MAKE ME OVERTHINK.

Well the feeling's not mutual,

But she's worried about me.

She's seen my posts

She knows where this is going

She knows I'm hiding something.

I hope she knows I'm not self-injuring.

Not physically, anyway.

Just spiritually and mentally

More than willing to deny myself what I need.

Cut myself open

Wide enough for the infections to crawl in while I bleed.

She's the only reason I havent TOTALLY crumbled

while trading belief for a handful of mumbles.

Using my grief as a constant excuse

to recieve sympathy, and to rape and abuse it.

I quit my job.

Because I claimed to care about honesty,

Like it was my lifestyle, my policy

But if the people I worked with could see me,

Behind closed doors,

I'm as messed up and unholy as a human can be.

But I know that you are rejoicing in glory.

And on the off chance that there's any room for me

I will arise

Avert my eyes from sorrows gaze

And live my life in such a way

As to make you proud

And on that day, to bring as many with me as I can.

I will try my best to be a man

And cast off all that besets me

And dust off my sword when the enemy tempts me

Strive to meet the expectations of purity

And patiently run this race set out before me.