Year One

Dear Addison,

It's momma. Happy birthday. Today is the day I guessed would've been your birthday.

I think about you every day, and I love you very much.

I'm sorry I never got to hear your heartbeat.

I'm sorry I never got to feel you kick.

I'm sorry I never got to hold you.

I wish I could've seen what color your eyes had been,

Or if you had gotten my lips.

I wish I could've seen you sit up, crawl, maybe walk, say your first word.

I wish I could've woken up to you crying in the middle of the night for me.

I wish I could've been the momma you needed. 

I wish I could've been the momma you deserved.

I got better because of you, Addison.

You made me a better person.

You made me get help.

And one of these days, I'll talk about you in therapy.

I'm not ashamed of you.

I love you.

I hope if there's an afterlife, you can still love me.

And I hope that there is something so I can meet you one day.

Happy 1st birthday, Addison.

I love you.