yes mom im fine

im afraid of being afraid of my many phobias. my insanity is near extinct. vaulnrble, racing heart beating fast similar to my insomnia thoughts. Young childish playing soul full of potential. I am grounded with a mind that can not be silenced. Depression they say is when you don't care or don't have the energy to care. Anxiety is the opposite, its caring to much at once. And dealing with both is staying in bed with this incurable disease, also known as lazy. But then jumping out of bed getting dressed, walking out that door and coming to this building, because you can't fail. You don't want to fail. Its not being able to ask for extra napkins. Its not being able to call and order take out. Or asking for something when you need help. Its being locked in a cage with maggots ready to eat ar decaying pieces of your mentality. Its muting everything and nothing at all.

It sucks…….. Because it's so damn exhausting. Its weird how pain affects us. You know we can be sitting in class and be completely oblivious because the girl next to us has a raging storm of thoughts going through her head . and that boy who sits behind you in chemistry class who never raises his hand anymore because he's afraid to me wrong….. Again. Did you know that if a drop of water hits a bigger body of water a rippling motion does not stop until it reaches the very edge. That's what anxiety is to me. The drop of water hits my brain causing the rippling water effect to reach every deep dark thought in my mind. My throat, the pit of my stomach, my hands, all they way down to my toes. Depression has built this beautiful garden at the bottom of my throat with disease. But apparently you can't water flowers with whiskey.

I really think it's time, for us, to take a break. Don't be mad, please don't me mad. It's me not you. I just need to time to work on things,  the things you created to destroy me with. The things that left me shattered at the age of 12. I'm done, i just want to be done with you. Its because of you that i have to pick the broken pieces of the mirror that makes up my mind. So every day i fight, i fight with myself, with my mom with my dad. I smile to confuse the pain. Smile to blend in, smile to get through it. Every day i take my pills, capsules filled with artificial happiness. Because of you, i've seen the ugly in me, in everyone and everything. i  can run but i can't hide and i found that out the hard way.

Because you're always there to pull the chair before i sit, before i can catch my breath. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to catch my breath if i didn't have to use to tell lies.