when I wrote the things about myself I liked,

I was in a different stage of recovering.

A stage in which I could not,

would not, refused to see beauty beneath the surface.

And maybe that was wrong.

It was certainly understandable.

 

But no matter what I look like,

I can see the edges of some people's mouths

quirk upward when they look at me even a little.

Their pupils are a little wider,

their voices are a bit higher and faster,

they speak longer.... they relax.

 

There has to be a connection.

There has to be something inside me

that makes people around me better and happier,

something I wasn't seeing before.

 

"The people around me are just being nice

because they don't want to be rude to me-

no one actually likes me."

Look out for someone you know whose smile

lights up a room, makes you feel blinded.

Don't let them see you before you see them.

They're just going through their day aren't they?

now they see you, and they smile-

without thinking right?

 

If they didn't already like you, 

why wouldn't they have to think about being nice?

 

Notice lots of people doing smaller versions,

leaning in towards you a centimeter,

hovering a hand near you when you stumble,

tilting their heads a  minute when you speak-

these are signs that you are loveable.

 

But you won't believe me.

And I'm sorry.

 

I don't know what people love about me.

But I've noticed that they do.

 

I never noticed the subtle things before though,

never used them to assure myself that life wasn't a lie.

But as I've looked again and again,

I've realized that I am surrounded by lots of people

who are so very excited to see me every single day.

 

And it makes me wonder,

how many good things about me

there would have to be

to make anyone

that damn excited.

 

A lot probably.