you don't know what you did

I fell for a boy in Tennesse during the month of June in 2016.

At first it was amazing, he drove 565 miles to see me. We stayed in a hotel together, but the only thing we did was have sex.

I guess at the time I did not realize that was the only thing that happened between us his first visit.

After that it became hard; It became painful.

The thought of loving someone so deeply that you can not be without them is a complex feeling.

It is a feeling that takes over your mind so completely that you let that person hurt you over and over

and you do nothing about it because you do not want him to leave.

Because the thought of him leaving absolutely kills you.

It becomes worse. It becomes him hanging out with other girls and lying to you.

It becomes him verbally abusing you and controlling you.

And your friends ask why you put up with it. Why?

Oh, because I love him.

But Abigail, he is killing you. He is tearing you to pieces.

He is taking everything out of you to the point you are crying every night, to the point where he gets all of your social media passwords,

To the point where you can not breathe, to the point you can not see your friends, to the point he does not trust you.

Then what happens. The lying about his female friend turns into him dating her.

So you ask him why? And you ask why can't I be with someone too?

Because boys can not control themselves. Because they will only use you for sexual reasons because that is the most you have to offer anyone.

You listen, but then you stop listening, and you start lying about who you are with and you meet someone. 

This person becomes your world, he means more than the guy who "loves you" ever has.

You do not tell Tennesse that you have fallen for someone else, but then he finds out and he comes to see you,

and he hits you.

And you wonder why?

Because I love you he says, and no one else can have you.

But you are with someone else? But you are with someone else!

How can you say you love me when you are with someone else!

But again, he says I love you. I have her because you are not there with me.

You say that is not my fault. You that it is not your fault, but it makes no difference.

And he goes home, and you cry even more.

You let him continue to hurt you for two more months till you are sick of it, because you finally realize that everything he has said and done is not love.

He does not love you, the twisted way he shows that he "loves you" it is not real.

And you push him away. And you leave. And he calls you yelling and scrAeaming at you.

But you do not have anything left in you to cry, or to care.

And he says to you I love you! and he says you don't even act like you love me, you do not show me you love me.

 And you finally say what you have wanted to say what you have realized over the past six months:

"that's because I do not love you, and I know now I never have."

And you hang up. And you block him on everything and you get rid of him from your life.

But the thing is when you think about everything he did, when you think about everything he said to you,

You lose your mind. You lose all feeling. And you doubt that you will ever be able to believe that you can fall in love with anyone ever again.

And the worst part is, he will never know the pain he caused you, he will never know how much he destroyed you. he will never have any idea what he did to you,.