You ver.3

“You just need something to write for”, why does this simple sentence keep resonating with me?

I simply talked with you about what I want to do in life, but not the entirety because when we talked, I felt something familiar and when I left I realised what it was.

It was the last thing I needed to get over him, and he was what I needed to get over you. Now I'm stuck in a flurry of emotions and pain and confusion. Do I love you, do I love him? Why am I feeling this, why am I thinking this, why am I doing this?

Everything I'm doing has some reason, but what is it? Is it to fix myself, or is it to have someone, anyone, that I can talk to and have there.

If I still had you with me then everything would be so different. But that isn't the case and I just hope and pray that you stay here in my life. You made everything feel so different, everything seemed so bright and fresh and now it's all a mundane grey. When I'm around you things are warm and a bright bliss, and when I'm with him it's as lively as it is dull.

Why do I have to feel like this? Even after all this time, I still miss you. I miss feeling the way you'd make me, and I have no idea if I can feel like that again, even if I could I have no true intention as it wouldn't be the same. Everyone's the same, a copy of one another and when I see you you stick out like an unrepeated work of art that was meant for the whole world to look at in awe. There's a glow I see when You're near, a smell that can only be described by some as fresh cookies on a cool summer day. 

Even though there is this glow, there's still more to you that I can't shake. You may try to appear happy but I know you, you are sad, unhappy, stressed by life and your future and I can't help you. Thanks to you and the role you've played in my life I try to help everyone I can, but how can I help you? You bottle in your emotions and wall in how you feel as to seem like nothing bothers you to protect your friends but those who know you can tell, and I've seen that wall begin to settle, but it’s still sturdy and makes me worry. I worry that if I can’t find a way to help, or you won’t let me in, then something may happen that would leave me alone.

Alone in a room full of hundreds of people, dozens of friends and acquaintances but you’re the only person who I still see. The only person who makes me feel like I’m not entirely baren of normal emotions and joy. If something happened then this grey would turn to a solid pitch black that I have to feel my way through, to find my way through life. A life that I would still have, but without you.