You'd be Surrpised

You’d be surprised to know I still look at your picture saved in the vaults of my phone. The one where we smiled and the room was vibrant, and the lights were red and blue, and the world seemed like a different place. A place where I loved you.

A place where I felt loved by you.

You’d be surprised to know that I still watch that video. The one where you played virtual reality and I laughed at the way you moved til the world turned sideways, til I fell asleep on your chest in the still of night. And I always meant to send it to you, on a day when the skies were grey and we both needed a laugh. Though now the skies are grey, and there are tears fresh on my cheek bones, but you are still laughing….

You’d be surprised to know I still think about you every week, every day, no matter how much I wish I didn’t. And I wonder if you still have my picture

Or the video you took of me.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind when you visit all the places we used to love. When you take him to all the places we used to hold one another. Do you imagine the things I would say if I were beside you? Or did you finish the book?

You’d be surprised how I spent Thanksgiving alone and Christmas, and every other moment we said we would spend together. You’d be surprised to know I don’t talk to my family, how I lost a part of myself from loving you

You’d be surprised how bad you were for me. You’d be surprised how you destroyed everything I loved about myself and how I can stand to look in the mirror. And you’d be surprised to know… that I still love you. That I don’t hate you. That I wish I didn’t have to feel because of you, but I still do.