Young, foolish, no matter the cause or pause
I found myself competing for space as I wrap myself in blankets of lice, and lay on cardboard mattresses.
Curling up, and numb to the touch.
If you couldn't see me breathing, you would think I was dead.
I could always see the stem of my icy breaths.. They would keep circling in front of me. Taunting me. With the home I used to sleep..
I had a home..
I had a family.
But now I forever live all alone.
Day by day I forget what I used to smile at.

My hair would be stringy and greasy and frizzy..
Funny how quickly things can change..
I remember never leaving the house if one strand of hair was out of place,
and now here I am only praying to live the next day. To eat at least once a day.
my nails would be jammed with the dirt from my concrete corner.. Where I would beg with a cup, pretending to be blind.
My clothes were tattered and worn, with holes and undone stitches. They never matched like they used to..
I was so young... and so foolish..

The man that used to love me has long forgotten me..
I don't blame him..
My baby girl.. with her father and new mother.
Whenever I would peer inside my old home,
I would see a beautiful woman.. Like I was once..
I would see her laughing and smiling carrying the gift of my womb.. My little girl would call her mommy..
I would put my shaken hands to my face and feel soft, warm tears falling from my soul less irises.
I made so many mistakes.. but aren't I still a human being?
I want to hug my child.. just once more..
I want to see the man I still loved to smile at me again.

Yet I was foolish to give it up for hallucinations and spasms, and 24 hour fevers.
One time.. And then all of this.
I felt alone and depressed on streets after one day.
Why?
My first little girl was a collection of blessings I cannot count..
I was going to have another child... A baby boy.. I was going to name him William.
I would go the usual appointment and he was healthy and beautifully growing... that is I thought he was..
William.. Died inside of me.. I fell to the ground clutching my stomach wanting it to bleed..
I cried and cried endlessly as if I could fill a swimming pool.. So many tears..
I felt as if my soul had left my eyes and I couldn't see past the depths of the despair..
A man approached me offering something that would make me feel happy again.
At that point I didn't know what to believe I took the object and right then I forgot everything... For a time... and before I knew it I found myself pointing a knife towards my baby's throat... I could see all her fear and my lover's anger.. He threw me out without second thought..
I don't blame him..

All I wanted was to be loved again... To be smiled at..Or even just being noticed...
Though I knew I was foolish to believe I deserved it..