Young and Foolish...

Young, foolish, no matter the cause or pause I found myself competing for space as I wrap myself in blankets of lice, and lay on cardboard mattresses. Curling up, and numb to the touch. If you couldn't see me breathing, you would think I was dead. I could always see the stem of my icy breaths.. They would keep circling in front of me. Taunting me. With the home I used to sleep.. I had a home.. I had a family. But now I forever live all alone. Day by day I forget what I used to smile at. My hair would be stringy and greasy and frizzy.. Funny how quickly things can change.. I remember never leaving the house if one strand of hair was out of place, and now here I am only praying to live the next day. To eat at least once a day. my nails would be jammed with the dirt from my concrete corner.. Where I would beg with a cup, pretending to be blind. My clothes were tattered and worn, with holes and undone stitches. They never matched like they used to.. I was so young... and so foolish.. The man that used to love me has long forgotten me.. I don't blame him.. My baby girl.. with her father and new mother. Whenever I would peer inside my old home, I would see a beautiful woman.. Like I was once.. I would see her laughing and smiling carrying the gift of my womb.. My little girl would call her mommy.. I would put my shaken hands to my face and feel soft, warm tears falling from my soul less irises. I made so many mistakes.. but aren't I still a human being? I want to hug my child.. just once more.. I want to see the man I still loved to smile at me again. Yet I was foolish to give it up for hallucinations and spasms, and 24 hour fevers. One time.. And then all of this. I felt alone and depressed on streets after one day. Why? My first little girl was a collection of blessings I cannot count.. I was going to have another child... A baby boy.. I was going to name him William. I would go the usual appointment and he was healthy and beautifully growing... that is I thought he was.. William.. Died inside of me.. I fell to the ground clutching my stomach wanting it to bleed.. I cried and cried endlessly as if I could fill a swimming pool.. So many tears.. I felt as if my soul had left my eyes and I couldn't see past the depths of the despair.. A man approached me offering something that would make me feel happy again. At that point I didn't know what to believe I took the object and right then I forgot everything... For a time... and before I knew it I found myself pointing a knife towards my baby's throat... I could see all her fear and my lover's anger.. He threw me out without second thought.. I don't blame him.. All I wanted was to be loved again... To be smiled at..Or even just being noticed... Though I knew I was foolish to believe I deserved it..