For Your Pleasure
For Your Pleasure
There was a study done at the University of Nicosia
stating that I,
a woman-loving,
pussy-eating,
big-ole-queer
of a lesbian
only exists for male pleasure
I hate to sound like such a lesbian
but I believe that this “study” was conducted by a very, very confused man
And I know confusion intimately
as I have spent over half of my life
confined to confusion, anger, and guilt
shackled to homophobic rhetoric
I know confusion intimately
from the comfortable walls of self-loathing
collapsing in upon itself
when I began my romantic endeavors with men
from how my heart imploded
with my first kiss with a woman
and the plummeting feeling of regret that followed
from the dissociation
originating from the frigidity of my parent’s assimilation
and a whiskey laced bible with a metal hanger stricken if not answered quick enough
(funny how a drunken stupor can make
radical peace and love
sound like bigotry and hate)
I know confusion intimately.
So, let me ask you:
is it pleasurable for you
to see a woman racked with guilt and self-hate
riddled with anxiety coupling with internalized homophobia
is it pleasurable for you
to know about the abolishment of my inner voice
incessant nagging
drowned out by familial sneers
anxiety that imbibed from my backbone
till I shattered beneath the lenses of a heterosexuality
is it pleasurable for you
to know that I got on knees
in the back of a 1999 Toyota Camry
as if to pray
to beg,
“Don’t let me be gay
Don’t let me be gay
Please dear god,
Don’t let me be a fucking queer”
as he finished in my mouth
Is this pleasurable for you?
Because let me remind you,
everything I do
is for your pleasure
Because even though I am a lesbian,
first and foremost,
I am a woman:
an attention seeking whore,
a slut,
just a hole,
only good for one thing,
a pretty face,
a doll
Please allow me to reiterate
that I am a doll—
pretty,
fragile,
and obviously here for your own amusement
regardless of my
sexuality,
preference,
or even if I have any desire to
(but of course I’ll always desire you, big boy)
But wa-ai-ait a minute!
If boys will be boys,
and boys don’t play with dolls,
where exactly does that leave me?
More importantly,
where does that leave you?
Other than your own self-construed limbo of homosexual repression
But then again,
who could be surprised
with all the “meat” that men are “suppose to eat”
We as women
live in a vacuum
where every conscious and subconscious action
has direct correlation
to the men around us and their ego
where we have to contemplate for every behavior
for reasons outside of ourselves
where we cannot just simply be
There was a study done at the University of Nicosia
stating that I,
a woman-loving,
pussy-eating,
big-ole-queer
of a lesbian,
only exists for male pleasure
I hate to sound like “such a lesbian”
so I’ll speak frankly as a woman:
regardless, I can assure you
that I don’t do a single goddamn thing
for your pleasure