By Your Side

A mask, a front to hide the fear that lurks behind that smile she wears so boldly, lying to everyone around her telling them everything is okay, trying to hide just how horrible her life is. She wears sleeves to hide the cuts, that line her arms, spelling out all  the mistakes I made, what my ignorance has done, I've  led her down this dark road where she finding this twisted way of coping with all the things I've put her through, all that she's endured through her time with me, so she hurts herself to chase away the memories she's cultivated through her time on this earth, but she's running out of places to wright it down, so she started to color outside of the lines, giving glimpses me of how she really feels, how bad it's gotten over time, it makes me wonder what she is so desperately trying to hide, and only time knows when I'll finally realize what I've put her through, the pain she endured, the scars she made in an attempt to chase away the deflection of her advances on me, but now she has run out of space on her gruesome canvas, and now she's started to color outside the lines, giving me more and more glimpses of what I've done how my action have inspired her morbid works of art that she now wears, the twisted graffiti marks the pain she endured to keep me from worrying for her, how could I be so ignorant, that I let this go on this long, and I don’t know if  I'm too late to save her, if the pain and regret of what I did to her, what I said to her, so I have to know if that girl who stole my heart so long ago is still there hidden behind the walls of cuts and scratches, to find out if that little girl who looked at the world with such wonder and amazement and childhood excitement, is hiding under the husk that stands before me now, and maybe if I had noticed it sooner I could have saved her, stopped it from getting this far, maybe it wouldn't have come to this, but I shouldn't give up on her now, I can't be like everyone else, and leave her behind to fend for herself, I have to at least try and save her from herself, to put an end to this toxic behavior, to save her from going over the edge, so I have to see if there is even just a fragment of that girl I used to know, the one who wore  that smile truly, who didn't use it to hide the pain, to hold back all the tears,… to hide the fear of being alone,…in the dark to fend for yourself, left to find your way all on your own, left to the hands of the storm, to weather it alone, so I must try and save the girl I knew so long ago, even if she has given up on me after all the time that has passed since we first met, back when she was a bright and lively girl and not just a husk going through the motions, the girl that took every chance life gave her, took up every offer, the girl that now hides under all those scars, screaming, pleading to be saved, begging for someone to see that everything is not okay, that she's far from stable, that she's   about to flip the table in frustration, that she's fell down and is about to have a, meltdown so she silently screams out for a savior, making her pleas for help in-between the seeping waves of sobbing her long restrained tears of agony and pain that now flow behind that mask she wears if only if she'd tear it down, I would put an end to the hell she lives I'd find a way to fix this because this is my doing, even if it marks the end of me, I do it without any hesitation if it meant she'd be okay, if  it meant that she could walk down the street with a genuine smile, I'd lay my life down if it puts an end to her suffering, but she makes her pleas for someone to just pay attention to her, and see the shallow attempts to keep a straight face, to hold back the tears, to keep from falling to her knees and screaming, begging, for someone to save her, to shine light on the dark fear that follows her everywhere, asking why can't anyone see that everything is not okay, that she can't hold it together much longer, she makes all her pleas anonymously so how can I find my chance to help her, if she doesn’t make it known that it's okay for me to help her and even if she does, how can I help when I can't even hold a conversation with her, because I can't take the guilt I feel whenever I look at what has become of  that happy little girl who had such a bubbly attitude and a smile that lit up my whole world,…to see what she's grown into, and it's all my fault no other but my own, and it brings me to tears, to see what my ignorance has done, how I obliviously missed her feelings for me in my attempt to see what she had thought of me,  why can't I find the courage to save her, when she needs me most, so why can't I find in me to take the chance and pull her up off the ground, and turn her life around, and guide her back to the girl I knew so long ago, so she can wear that smile genuinely, to wear it for something other than a mask to hide the tears and the pain that racks her brain, all I want is to bring that girl back from the past to pull her out of the grave I obliviously dug for her, so what is holding me back, what's stopping me from walking by her side hand in hand like we used to do so long ago, what's keeping me from pulling her out of the hole I so carelessly dug and she has fallen in, what's stopping me from being there for her like I promised her I would, how can I be so spineless when I used to be so courageous, why can't I just extend my hand to help her like I always would so long ago. Why I cannot find it in me even though I want to be there right by her side comforting her, telling her that we will get through this together that I will fix this, to give her the shoulder to lean on she needs, so what holds me back, is it that I fear it is too late, is it that I fear that she will refuse my help,…. NO what I fear is that I'll never get to see that smile that brightened my day every time I laid my eyes upon it, so I can't just sit by idly and act like this is okay that this is alright, that she's fine, so I'll be damned if I just let her suffer through this hell alone, so I'll be there for her and walk this torturous rode by her side whether I'm too late or not, whether she wants me to or not because even if I can't save her, I can still be there to show her that someone cares about her, that she doesn’t have to weather through this storm alone that she has someone who will be there by her side, to hold her when she cry's, that she has someone to wipe away the tears, that she has someone to share her fears and that, that someone is determined to help you overcome your fears, to make sure the only tears you shed are ones of happiness, that you no longer  have to hide, that you have someone who will be there by you, that I will make sure the only expression that makes residence on her face is that smile she so perfectly wears, that she will no longer dread what tomorrow will bring but will anxious and impatient to see what she can achieve, I promise to show you that it's not over that there is still light at the end of the tunnel, to tell you that I will be there for you,… tell you that someone still loves,…that I loved you.