"You're A Funny Girl"

"You're a funny girl."
No I'm not. I'm a helplessly depressed young woman with no sense of
self worth seeking validation. I'm crying out with a laugh. I hide the
pain and the hurt under thinly veiled humor. I crack a joke so you
can't hear my heart break over the puns. When you see my grin, if you
look close enough, you'll see that my eyes are welled up with tears. I
can't breathe the weight in my chest is so great. I wake up in the
morning exhausted from the nightmares my mind has created: all of it
stemming from the horror that is reality. I create entire universes in
the fort under my hair because the impossibility of the lands in my
subconscious are more likely to me than becoming the functioning adult
society expects me to be. In all the glorious kingdoms and empires I
have imagined, I am the hero I will never be strong enough to be here.
I can help heal the broken realms I live in, but when it comes to
mending something so simple as a shirt seam, I fall short. I can't
even comprehend what normal coul
d feel like. My body and soul feel as broken as the glass my anger
smashed. I have never done anything as strenuous as getting out of bed
in the morning. It would be easier to move a mountain than to tell the
waiter the food I got isn't what I wanted. My childhood was sacrificed
for the sanctity of another's mind. And in return, my love was spit
back in my face in the form of words that can never be unspoken. Yet
somehow, I still know how to love. Even though the incredible,
unfathomable depths of love will never breach the greatest gap, from
me to myself, I can still love. I can still bring a smile to your
face. I still want to bring a smile to your face. Because even though
some days I don't have the strength to stand, let alone smile,
happiness is the one thing a person can give without having. So I
suppose yes, I am a funny girl. But there is only ever going to be so
much agony that can remain hidden under the mask of a joke.