‘Perhaps’

There will always be a ‘perhaps’

there will always be an ‘if’

hours lost thinking over it

nights spent fruitlessly wondering 

‘Perhaps if I hadn’t...’

’If I had...’

Churning in my chest

bile rising in my throat

’Maybe it was my fault’

Telling myself it wasn’t

but in the small hours of the morning

in the darkness of my room

the tear tracks streaking my face show I don’t believe it

There will always be a ‘perhaps’

there will always be an ‘if’

what matters is ignoring them

There is no point

it cannot be undone

i cannot try and forget it

but I can run from it

and as I run

i make sure not to fall into the rabbit holes 

the ‘perhapses’ and ‘ifs’ have created

Because if I fall 

I will never climb out.