ASumiko

freshman year of college, i find a cockroach hiding behind a picture on my desk. it scuttles away before i can reach for the roach spray. after that, i see it every day - i walk into my room and catch a glimpse of it scurrying away. it goes on like this for a few weeks, a battle of speed - if it can get away before i can get to the spray, it wins the day. i name it bruno, because bugs are terrifying, but a thing isn't so scary once you name it. last may, i was diagnosed with depression. this is what is known as a non sequitur, which is a pretty apt metaphor for how depression feels. or no, my depression was - excuse me, is - like waking up to find a colony of ants moved in under your floorboards. you aren't quite sure when they got there, but now that you see them they're everywhere. like if you could see one bad day, rest assured there are hundreds more hidden in the crevices, swarming and multiplying until you can't see anything but the dark. my depression is a terrifying spiral into thoughts of a world without me in it, which is really a poetic way of saying that i wanted to kill myself. but a thing isn't so scary once you name it. and this world turns and spring comes in the end. i don't know how to breathe without self-deprecation but it's okay, it's okay, every day i get a little better at this game, this game of loving myself. hope is moth wings in a flame, so easily turned to ash, but i have been running for months, grasping at it no matter what. i am thankful that i got the time to heal.