Clareprunellpoetry

Imagine a childhood so happy and free, With a nurturing family, just how it should be. BUT imagine a childhood you had to survive, Where your brain had to warp just to keep you alive. You were treated so cruel but you did what you could, Now it’s permanently changed, and it's ruined for good. Imagine a life where the feelings are small, They come and they go and you scarce notice at all. BUT imagine a happiness high, that explodes in your chest, Then a sadness so deep that you can’t even rest. A trigger of anger, of guilt, and of dread, Till the fuse blows completely and everything's dead. You pray for a spark in the freezing cold chill, But the moment it hits, you just wish it was still. Imagine a baseline that's steady and clear, Where you wait for the events of the day to appear. BUT imagine a defense wrapped tight in a cage, A motor that idles on pure, blinding rage. It’s clean and it's sharp and it keeps out the fright, It won't let your guard down like sadness just might. It's the factory setting, the shield that you wear, Safe from the doubt and the weight of despair. Imagine in life when the heavy clouds form, You process the sadness and walk through the storm. BUT imagine a pain that turns inward to strike, A deep-seated warfare you've never seen like. You wield up a tool and you cut and you scar, Mistreating the body to dull what you are. You abuse and you harm in a desperate routine, Taking it out on the spaces unseen. Imagine the mirror is simple and plain, You look at your face and it’s always the same. BUT imagine a glass where a stranger stands there, A ghost that you hate with a blank, hollow stare. You don't know the person, you fear what they see, And you question if "you" is who you're meant to be. Imagine you know who you are through and through, Your likes and dislikes are consistent and true. You laugh with your friends and you’re confident, free, Just living your life how you want it to be. BUT imagine the worry, the self-conscious dread, The constant interrogation inside of your head. You mimic their movements, you copy their style, Trying to fit in, even just for a while. Imagine your friendships just naturally flow, With people you cherish and people you know. BUT imagine you pour all your love into one, And you’d burn down the world just to keep what you’ve won. Yet you’re always on guard for the shift and the fade, Terrified by the connection you've made. So you look for a reason to push them away, To reject them before they can leave you one day. Imagine you're full of the life that you live, Content with the world and the pieces you give. BUT imagine a hollow, an empty black space, Deep in your chest that no thrill can replace. You try and you try just to fill up the void, But the hope is defeated, the effort destroyed. It sits there and waits for the failure to start, A permanent hole in the core of your heart. Imagine a choice that is easy to make, A middle-ground option that’s simple to take. BUT imagine a brain that doesn't mess with the grey, It’s a YES or a NO, and it’s night or it's day. There is no middle option, no buffer between, The harshest extremes that you’ve ever seen. Imagine a thought that you ponder and weigh, You consider the choices and leave it a day. BUT imagine an impulse that strikes like a spark, A flash of pure lightning that hits in the dark. The action is finished, the damage is done, Before the conscious thought has even begun. Imagine you walk through the world with such ease, Where the good and the bad times just pass like a breeze. You know where you stand and your life is your own, With a place in the world that is steady and known. BUT imagine a war with your brain every day, It won't ever switch off and it won't ever give way. An endless routine where you can't break free, Under fire from the diagnosis of BPD.