Clareprunellpoetry

I want to tell you a story, I want you to understand; I wasn’t always like this, I was shaped by cruel hands. I began in a world of violence, With no where safe to go. I tried to be invisible, I curled up small, I tried to lay low. I made it through but the cost was heavy, With a brain designed to survive. I am always on high alert now, Where paranoias constantly thrive. I feel everything so powerfully, With emotions fierce and intense. I can’t control how fast they shift, I go numb in my own defence. I carry an anger, the strongest of all, A Rage that’s scorching and raw. It flares up at every slightest thing, From a brain that’s programmed for War. I am scanning for danger, non-stop, Seeing the world in black or white. There is never a middle ground, No time to decide, it is Wrong or Right. I don’t really know who I am anymore, I mirror the people I see. Because if you see yourself looking back, You’re less likely to walk out on me. I struggle with friendships constantly, I hold on tight so you never go. Yet I watch every shift in your behaviour, And I’ll push you away to dodge the blow. I feel empty and hollow all of the time, Unable to fill this deep inner void. I’ve tried spending, drugs, and hurting myself, But the ache remains, and I’m left annoyed. Fast impulses rule my mind, My brain won’t pause or take time. Before a single thought can form, I did it, I own it, it’s mine. I spend all my time hiding these things, Fighting my own brain every day. I try to appear normal to everyone else- I have BPD, and it’s my only way.