Oakley Aadland

I’m spilling my guts and bleeding my brain onto a white sheet of paper

But all the paper seems to do is swallow it up until it’s dry again

I keep my thoughts hidden

But whenever I try to speak out someone already has stolen my thoughts

I cannot show or tell
I cannot speak when this voice inside of me is bursting at the seams with nothing

My voice is an empty void

I swallow my words never to see them again

I write and erase never satisfied with what I wrote

Try Again

I hate it all

I never can get my voice out when my words are caving in on themselves

When my hands betray me deleting everything I want heard

And I hate every vulnerable part of myself

I hate myself in general

I am paranoid

I get anxiety from looking out my goddamn window

I constantly feel watched

I cannot spill my thoughts

I am trying to cling to a cliff that’s already twenty feet above me

I am trying to swim in water with no air in my lungs

I am trying to run with weights on my feet

I am trying to breathe on the godforsaken moon

I am looking in a twisted mirror believing it’s real

I have a big nose with weird eyelashes

I have knotted hair that sticks up everywhere

I am fat and my legs are hairy

Everything about myself is twisted

And I want to say something

I want to tell someone

But no one actually understands

They say they do and then prove that they have no clue about what they’re talking about right afterwards

I’m sick of it

I just want medicine to take my pain away

It’s better than talking with words that I don’t have

I don’t want to share I want to cry

No one can begin to understand these complex fickle emotions of mine

I don’t want to talk or hug it out

I just want to be alone

Because being around people makes me feel more alone than when I’m actually alone

You don’t understand

I know because I don’t understand

And if I can’t figure out what’s going on with the brain that I’m with 24/7

Then how the hell can you?