When I was small.
When I was small,
I dreamed of a better world.
I came up with ideas of creating things,
great things,
life changing things to better us all.
I believed we could have a world of purity,
a world of warmth,
a world of kindness.
When I was small,
I dreamed of a better world
When I was small,
I believed in love.
I believed in the experience of true love:
the infatuation and the pain.
I believed that love is the one thing that could win.
I wanted to be apart of a team,
a team of passion and adventure.
I wanted a partner in life.
Someone to catch me when I fall,
and push me when I stood too tall.
When I was small,
I believed in love.
When I was small,
I wanted to be the hero.
Someone to look up to,
someone to admire,
someone you can trust.
I wanted to fight the good fight:
fight for the weak,
vanquish the dark.
I wanted to be an angel of the light.
When I was small,
I wanted to be a hero.
When I was small,
I hoped I would find myself.
I hoped I’d one day find peace,
I’d finally let go,
I’d finally feel free.
I hoped I’d be able to smile,
a real smile with real emotion.
I hoped I would be happy with my life:
the choices I’d have made,
the sacrifice I’d have given,
the tears I’d have shed.
I hoped I would finally be done.
I hoped I’d one day look in the mirror,
and be able to recognize myself.
When I was small,
I hoped I would find myself.
When I was small,
I thought about how to live.
I thought that if surviving was different,
then I must try to live.
I thought in order to live,
I needed to be happy which means:
I needed to dream of a better world,
I needed to believe in love,
I needed to want to be a hero,
I needed to hope I will find myself.
I thought to my small self,
I don’t want to just survive,
I want to live.
I thought to my small self,
If I can do all of that,
then I will surely live.
When I was a small,
I thought about how to live.
When I was small,
I learned.
I learned that there is no such thing as a better world.
The more I grow the more I see and feel:
the loss of purity,
the dying warmth,
the abuse of kindness.
I learned that love is as much a weakness as it is a strength.
True love stays in the stories where it can be appreciated,
where it can be trusted,
where it can grow old and die in peace.
I learned that heroes are overrated.
When you look at a fight from all angles,
you sometimes become the one in the dark;
and when you enter the light,
the darkness is still behind you where you left it.
I learned that I don’t know who I am.
I make sacrifices,
I make the tough decisions,
and I look myself in the mirror to realise there are no tears:
I don’t like her but I know her,
and we know we will never be done.
I learned that I’m a survivor.
I survive whatever I get,
and I can convince everyone that I am thriving.
The truth is I’ve become hollow,
I do what needs to be done to get by:
I only seem to feel like I’m surviving.
I learned that the small child and I were once the same,
but I’ve grown a little now.
So I have to let her go into her fantasies.
I need to let her go because when I think back to her,
she cries at the story of my life.
When I was small,
I learned.