Brianna

I am broken, shattered, worn, and incomplete

I am damaged

But not destroyed

I am constantly falling, dragged, and being pushed down

Down, down, down

To the deepest pits of my hell

They say hell is impossibly hot, smoldering even

But not my hell

There it is cold

So impossibly cold that the fire does not warm: it numbs

Being numb is easy, calming even

And yet I want to feel

So I push up

Toward the cruel world that banished me

I fight my screaming muscles, my bruised ego, and my demolished hope

Just so I can try to stand

Just as I begin to straighten my spine, I crumble

My problems get the best of me and again I fall

Down, down, down

Back to my hell

The cold welcomes me back with open arms

It crushes me in its icy embrace

Again, I am numb

It is easy to get used to being numb

Almost like a second skin

Similar to the one I call home

But people move homes all the time

And so do I

As the warmth of my skin flutters away, the numbness takes its place

With my new skin I know no warmth

No amount of love, encouraging, and hope can bring me back now

Or so I thought

With every fiber in my being, again I push up

Finally able to make it back to this hellish place I call my world

I am greeted with tests

Tests of courage

I fear that I am not courageous

I fear many things

I am afraid of dying before my time

I am afraid of never knowing all consuming love

And I am afraid of failure, to never be good enough

But I do have courage

My courage is the strength in the face of pain and grief

I have seen death, and I have felt pain one my age should never have to feel

The type of pain that have pushed so many like me to their untimely death

And yet I am still here; living

I live for those who took the easy way out

Courageous enough to take their own lives

But I will never know that courage

I know the courage of a person who has contemplated death many times

And many ways

I know how easy it would be to just…

Jump

Slice

Overdose

Pull the trigger

And fall down, down, down

Into one’s own personal hell,

The one that has become our home

And stay there…

Forever

But that courage is that of a coward

And a coward I am not

I live for the people who are just like me

Going through the same things that I am, have, and will

I live for the people who never want to fall down again

Who want to destroy their own personal hell

Forever

I live for the people who want to push up

Who never want to know what it feels like to be numb

Or to fall

Again

I live for the fighters

Who know their life is worth living

Who know that the trials and the tribulations that they go through are worth it

I live for those who feel so incredibly lonely in a room full of people

I live for the people who want to see that it will get better

I live for the people who desire the strength to be courageous

I live for the people that are always pushing up

Never again to dwell on the place they once called their hell

I live to push up

And push up I will

Until the day I can push no further

The day I reach the never ending warmth of my own personal heaven

So loving and so amazing

My future home

My final move

But until then

I feel for everyone out there who have the courage to battle life

I anguish over the people who lost their fight

And I pray for those that will soon begin their battle

May you fight for your life and have the courage to win

I live for those out there who know they have a chance

I am one of those people

I live for me