liveit

June 22, 2019

Dear Diary,

Today has been quite a day.

The anger that I feel, the concept that what I feel is irrational

Is this growing up?

I am trapped in my contemplation-my favorite.

Silently brewing in my oasis, thinking-analyzing.

How different,

I feel different.

Who’s changing me? Who? Why? Not yet--Please stop. I am on my knees begging

Stop--please stop.

I am not ready to grow up.

Yet, nothing is changing; it just keeps changing.

I’m left back brewing--thinking.

Why is there a light driving me to different places--to my utopia?

This new dimension, so different from my childhood

It’s not dark,

It’s bone-chilling.

When I realized that my ideals mirror those of what I seek in page-turners

I get scared--those ideals differ from those of my parent

I differ from my home base--my own skin and flesh

It’s petrifying-- those dang books

I am left spinning surrounded by a tornado of words:

Confidence, Individualism, Me, Growth

Bereavement.

The fear of isolation, I squash to the depths of my mind--not yet

I distract myself, see faults

I’m growing up, but I throw a fit--in my mind

An endless turmoil surrounds me--nothing my parents say or do is correct

Faults keeping showing--the most trivial actions are deemed unrefined

Anything they do is wrong--their belief--nothing is right.

Is this growing up?

I am my own person.

I am uncertain, I delve deeper into this convoluted chapter of my life.

I analyze what I’m feeling--an irrational nit-picking.

I am disappointed in myself, I want to shut down and reboot

Be different.

Realizing my faults while I judge others

That 's growing up

I am different--in my own way.

That's good--it’s uplifting and freeing; it’s terrifying.

The atmosphere that hangs low and surrounds me

The dread and the promise of disappointment; I just can’t seem to shake away.

A noxious air--suffocating me.

A stone deep down in my stomach that I can’t seem to swallow

Thanks for listening Diary,

Love,

Liveit.

June 23, 2019

Dear Diary,

It seems that I’m not done with growing up yet.

I’ve finished an earth shattering book-another one.

The abuse that occurs, the pain.

It’s so horrifying.

When the people that are suppose to love us unequivocally constantly hurt us

It’s traumatic, yet we must move on.

We must continue to grow.

The promises of change- People change

That in itself is hope,

I’m grown, yet I will never stop growing

Love,

T.LH. Aris