Our Anniversary
You look at me, not speaking but your eyes say why what your mouth doesn't
You don't care
You turn your head towards me as if you are listening, but your body language has written a message for my ears to hear
You're not paying attention
You speak, words flowing from your mouth, but your hands tell me otherwise
You'd rather not
You say good morning, a smile on your lips
But your shadow tells me you don't feel loved
You don't feel loved, but you refuse to let anyone in
Won't talk, let me share your pain
I am not inside your head, I can't see, I am blind until you let me
You turn away, turn in, lash out
Build walls, break bridges, sell cars
You try to isolate yourself, but I won't let you
You begin to hate me
You don't hate me
But I do
Sometimes, I feel like I push you too hard, ask too much, give too little
Sometimes, I feel like I give too much, love pouring out all day, all night
Never to be restored
I hate me for feeling so deeply, not caring enough, being so self-centered, worrying about anyone else
I worry about everyone else
But I worry more about you and me
I'm afraid my neediness, my clinginess is turning you away
I worry you have forgotten my need to communicate everything
I worry that you haven't realized that I replaced my need for human affection, my craving for touch and connection, with conversations with you
That does not mean that it's gone away
Instead of grabbing onto someone and holding on tight, I ask you for advice
Instead of sticking it through unhealthy relationships I talked with you
But you've left me like a piece of driftwood, to fend for myself
My anchor is gone, and now I am lost
When I come out to someone and feel anxious but proud
I turn to tell you, but you're not there
When I feel out of my element and don't think I can make it through the day
I look for your ghost for words of encouragement
I want to be the one who gives you words of encouragement
Your own personal cheerleader
You always turned me down, but
I think somewhere, inside you, you have a list of the times I had your back
It hurts that I cannot be the one for you to turn to
But it bothers me more that you burrow within yourself
Taking your pain and sadness with you
Not realizing that one day that you'll collapse
I don't think you realize that the end of you is the end of me
How important it is for me feel to wanted
Because I've been so long with the feeling reciprocated
But I want you to know that you're wanted too
Four years babe
But not one I love You
Happy Anniversary