Clouded Memory
February 25, 2015
NoFilter Poetry Slam Scholarship
Clouded Memory
I've always been the girl
center of attention
always making jokes
lively as hell
never afraid to share my opinions
everyone always knew when I walked into a room
Confidence,
too much damn confidence
all those years became a lie
cancer it's cancer
but she's only 6?
protect her
I'm supposed to be her protector
I'm tied up in chains
fighting
fighting for her
while she's fighting
fighting
for her life
What even matters anymore?
a test?
a paper due tomorrow?
grades?
tell me
how a letter on a piece of paper is more important than my best friend suffering
watching her drift away slowly
body changing from all the steroids
killing whats killing her
is this real
I hide
I hide from the outside
maybe if I'm not exposed to the world it won't hurt me
maybe my heart will beat a little faster
maybe my days will be a little brighter
but I walk up the steps that feels like climbing a mountain
and the sunlight hits my eyes but yet they are still shaded
I've found it
yes
it will help me
pain?
no
burns burning down my throat
gagging
but numbness
it's foggy
I love it
it's consuming me as I consume it
Headaches, messy hair, mascara stained face
where the hell am I
who the fuck am I
pain?
yep
again
not gone
again
dark red it drips
down my skin
fills the cracks
hiding again
my body
don't expose
don't show your shame
they will know
they will know
they will talk
don't let it show
he grabs
he touches
i shake my head
he pulls me in
i pull away
force
like he's earned it
like he even knows me
like he even cares
he doesn't
neither do I
not respected
must be defected
they think I'm not effected
fear of being rejected
pain
shame
but I'm the one to blame
know nothing but my name
but they're still quick to judge
fall down so hard but I don't even budge
the thoughts are too much
my legs dangle from the top
just like my heart hanging by a single cardiac muscle
I look down
close my eyes
and imagine my body lunging forward one more inch
just one more
and now all are left are scars
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