The Afropunk in my Vunerability
Look at me
In hopes that you see the Afropunk in my vunerability
Every picture I would hold you close to me
No matter your mood
I would make sure to wake you up for school because no one was home to remind you
I told you to pack your basketball shoes
And to brush your hair because mom hated when your curls were all over the place
But I just liked when they were out of your face
Because I was proud
And I know she was hard on you because she wanted you to be the man of the house
And I can see you just wanted to be a kid, who sometimes forgot to do his homework and shit
But it sucked because i question in reality if our family was another statistic
No male figure in the home
or one emotionally or physically available
You cared for three women in the home all alone
God you were a sweet sweet soul
And I tried to protect it nurture it care for it
While I saw my mom trying to mold it and prepare it
I wanted to stop her and just let you grow,
I blocked with all my might but somehow she molded me too
Her strength braised with an Ivy League degree and a whole lot of pedigree to her legacies
But somehow she still got you to be what she wanted you to be
Similar to her, I, and her family tree a division one college athlete
Look at you now tho college ball player I couldn’t be more proud
And without the help of a man, I hope your manhood can be found
And I pray you know yourself and that you never doubt
If u need help know I’m here looking out
I know I can never be your father
And I know I crippled you by overcompensating
i worked long nights bartending
just so I can drop $600 on your birthday
Why? Because your dad didn’t do anything and I knew it would eat u up
So I tried to block protect and keep you close doing more way more than enough
Christmas birthdays every day it was clear I thought of u
even more than my own mother out of fear
Fear that there are things I can’t protect you from
Like those white men in uniforms holding a gun
(louder)But I’d lose my shit if they pulled that trigger
I already have it played out
how I would sneak into his house and steal one of his children off the couch
And torture them in a basement for years
And laugh while their pig ass daddy watches in fear
Because it’s an eye for an eye if they fuck with mine
But I’m so glad it has not happened because shit
Would get way too hot back in Camden
I realize there are some things I can’t protect you from
But I’m damn sure gonna try
(slower) And one more thing
I know you hear me talk about this racist shit a lot
But I want u to be prepared
(worried voice)I want you to understand that these white people can't get the upper handle
(worried voice)They will oppress you if you can’t recognize it now
You’re a fatherless black man in America it’s too dangerous for you to be out and open wearing your sweetheart on your sleeve
The most evil form of hate is out to see you bleed
But when u get the chance you show everyone that u can and you’re more than a statistic
Black culture be proud that you’re in it
because I’m proud I have you, I know you hurt a lot but I’ll always protect you
Strong little brother turned grown man, please know I always got you.
Do I really have him because I don’t think I have myself
Being black in a Public White Institution really fucking sucks
When I wear my athletic gear you stare and smile
Guessing what sport I play
But when I have on regular clothes you don’t even look this black girls way
I know vulnerability does not exist within our community
So I know I’m sharing our secrets but I can no longer hold them in
These white people in America don’t see us they see our skin
They don’t want us to be CEO’s of these stock companies
They just want that fast black athlete to play for their favorite sports team
So that young white boy lives vicariously through that black athlete
Bc the white boy knows his father cheers through the tv ….
wishing that could be his legacy ….
And that’s so sad to see
Bc that black man is a part of the nfl, nba, and mlb systems of slavery
And they use our bodies
I don’t got you like I thought I did
I can’t trust these white people or a single soul
Cuz even on the streets the black people who look like me want beef
Because they see me getting a degree?
Or they see me looking at them and scream………. (PAUSE) what you looking at? (PAUSE) …….thinking I can see their pain
But all I see is the beauty that the white man cant
And the struggles in our communities
I get angry because they know my weakness in its entirety
Say the N word in your favorite rappers song and you’ll see another side of me
Why ?because that rapper looks like me
and
YOU don’t know the force behind “nigger” and it’s history
So don’t try me
But you do
and you push and push to try to suffocate us
Then I have to suffer and drown, while waiting for the white savior complex
In the meantime I try to go back to talk to someone who looks like me
But all I get is a broken community
And we sadly agree this shit is as fucked up as it could be
Hurt can’t heal hurt
But I draw from the person who looks like me because they can see my pain and whether they acknowledge it or call it out in a “what you looking at” kind of way
(SOFT) :At least the realized my body is noticeable
But sometimes they are too noticeable and we are called out
For sitting next to each other in a classroom what the fuck is that about
They don’t say that same shit to my white counterparts
Who are all in a row
I guess my body is too noticeable.
I don’t got you like I promised
LOUD: There is segregation in higher level education
There is segregation in higher level education
But it’s ok because they’re going to hear what we have to say anyway
I’m not here to acquiesce to your white averageness every day
When I know we appreciate being here cuz we earned it
Sometimes I think about taking my professors jobs cuz I feel they don’t deserve it
or maybe their bodies don’t I’m just observant
I can teach say this shit with ease and without fear
Get it jumpin
While white kid sits quiet in the seat saying nothin
But sometimes I say nothing too
bc it’s not my fucking job to teach you
I’ll do it when I want to
I’m fearless despite the system saying I should be scared
Been black racially profiled segregated and threatened
We all live in southwest is that really an accident
Because the shit looks just like the projects
And all the white people live in central and north
But they’ll make their way through the hood
and to the stadiums to watch all the sports
Who can I trust here?
No one I say to myself in fear
But I’m more than a statistic so nothing will stand in my way
I will get a degree and move on from this one day
And get smacked around with the same shit in the real world
But I will remain strong because I have no choice
My ancestors fought hard for me
I have no choice
And plus I told my little brother I got him and I know he still hears that voice.